
You know that moment when you are in the middle of a conversation and people are just chatting, mostly mommies, and then someone says it. That statement that is a very honest statement, not in any way a dig at you, but it hits you right in the heart. It’s the moment when you are forced to face how abnormal your life is and how truly NOT healthy your child is. That minute when the tears come without permission. Yeah. I am there. Someone was talking on a mommy board I am a member of and poof… someone was asking what size their child was and the mom responds with “39 inches and 39 lbs, she’s 2 and a good size girl… we buy a 2 because the shirt is a 2/3 combo”. Seeing that number 39…………………. I nearly swallowed my own tongue. At that very minute it was so obvious to me……… it literally took my breath and then the tears came. Ky is 39 pounds. 39 pounds might as well be the weight of the world right now. Since we pulled the full time g-tube feeds she has steadily been losing weight. I am a little freaked out because I know where it CAN land us. Been there.. more than once. I don’t want to go back there.. desperately and honestly if the only thing it takes is this stupid tube for the rest of her life then so be it. The tube is not that bad. The button is not that bad. They are comfortable. Reliable. They reassure me that no matter what we CAN feed her and keep her alive even if she cannot do that for herself. But today… a very innocent comment tore at my heart in ways I cannot explain. And it HURT. a lot.
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