I have been nearly silent on this blog for a good while now.  For a great many reasons I felt the need to just “be still”.  Mostly because in my prayers to my Heavenly Father I felt Him telling me to be quiet, be still, just wait on HIM.  So i did.  I stopped talking. writing, blogging, searching, emailing, calling, driving, crying, seeking, hoping, pushing, believing… I just stopped.  I just needed some peace and quiet.  I needed some time to remember who I was and what this was all about.

Yes, I know that the mind wanders to the relationship with my husband and I.  Although it has previously been strained… we are good right now.  We are in a good place with a healthy amount of talking, loving, hugging, fighting, debating, forgiving, etc.  All those good things that marriage truly mean… yeah we are all those things now.  Which makes me happy and a bit more calm than before.  Is life perfect?  NOT!  Whose life is perfect?  And if your life IS perfect, I don’t want to know!  Seriously.  I am a little bitter.  I don’t want to know about your perfect house and perfect dog and perfect kid and perfect clothes… I don’t care.  (PS… that was not directed at anyone in particular… just the perfect people LOL)

At any rate I have been very torn about Kyleigh’s health.  She does wonderfully for a while and then she crashes and goes into all sorts of crazy things that make us ask questions we shouldn’t have to ask.  She has been on a good stint lately though.  We have been debating about how to handle her Urology needs for a while now.  We go to her doc and we just walk away feeling empty, confused, scared and frustrated.  There are NO OTHER docs that we see that make us feel this way.  Even with all the HARD things that we have had to hear from so many of our docs we still can only remember a handful of times when we felt this way.  We continue to go around about this doc and his place in our life and in our child’s and we just cannot, in good faith, see him being a major part of it much longer.  At some point we have to fight for her “life” sans daily medical madness…. KWIM?  Just some peace and normal… and shopping!  Yes… my daughter is a shopper and I love it!  I will shop til I drop with her.  It really is bad though.  So bad it’s good   I am just so glad that I get to take her to pick out princess dresses and new shoes and tutus and all that fun stuff!  I am glad that she has a fit in the middle of the store because I won’t buy her M&M’s and then by the time I get to the checkout I feel so bad about depriving her of the only calories she might want to consume that day that I buy them anyhow.  I try and make it into a lecture that makes it LOOK like I am in control but it’s pretty obvious that she rules the roost.  We own that… it’s okay!

So in this time of being still… I have been SOOO busy.  Not much “STILL”  has been happening here in our house as there is always a ton to do, but enough “busy”ness that my mind was still which I guess is the point.  Anyway… I laid down the torch on the medical end of things and just waited.  I had been looking into a few options for Urology and found some promising new procedures and perspectives and then it happened.  Yesterday I opened a piece of junk mail from UK just to see if there was a blurb about the Makenna David ER (obviously close to my heart) and there it was.  Or should I say HE was.

Dr. Ali Mahmoud Ziada.  I already have his name memorized!  He is the NEW pediatric Urologist at Kentucky Children’s.  Yes… so he may just be one of MANY specialists but we have been waiting a LONG time for this day.  4 years to be exact!  I am so proud of our little hospital and so glad to be a part of watching it grow and change.  I am also very relieved that we have new hope for a doc to man the trenches of Ky’s Urological health here in Kentucky.  I don’t anticipate that he will be the savior of my daughter’s bladder but I am truly hopeful that this will be the start of a long, healthy, beautifully communicating relationship with him.  I am very tired of looking for someone to trust.  I know that the docs she sees now are great, excellent even but how can I, in good faith, hand her over to someone that I just don’t feel RIGHT about?  I can’t.  That is the simple answer.  I knew that.  So we waited.

Our wait is over on August 31.  I feel a bit like I am “cheating” on the Cincy docs but oh well.  When it comes to your child… I cannot help what everyone else thinks or feels about them.  I can only do what I know is right and trust that I have someone bigger than ME in control!  August we will meet this new doc and I am so excited.  It always brings a bit of trepidation though… the “what if’s” seems to come barreling at you like flies splattering on your windshield… you don’t see them coming until they are already a mess on the window!  I am torn as to whether to try and track down all the medical records or whether I just want to let this person do their OWN evaluation and go from there.  It is time for her bi-annual VCUG etc so its not like I would be torturing her for no reason.  Who knows… so much excitement and fear at the same time… it’s all very scary yet familiar.

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So I walk into the bathroom this afternoon to find my child filling up a diaper disposal bag (read: newspaper bags that we use for diapers because they are perfect and someone gave me a WHOLE BUNCH of them!) with WATER.  I started to freak out and Troy said “No…………… ask her what she is [...]

All of the kid’s clothing from baby to 3 years old are GONE.  Done… It would have been a little more emotional if I had not been still buried in boxes up to my eyes!  I want the space more than I wanted the “stuff”!  So I did it!  By Sunday I was selling clothing [...]

Probably something most of us do in smll increments… often… maybe even say while MULTITASKING in the er… bathroom?  But me… I don’t even have time for THAT!  Most of the time when I am using the potty I find myself also, doing hair, cleaning the floor around me or completing some other task such [...]

I keep trying to come back and blog consistently but life is SO entirely crazy right now that its ridiculously hard for me to find time to SHOWER let alone blog!  So.. what has life thrown at us since we last talked?  Well we are STILL renovating the house and getting my parent’s “condo” ready.  [...]

At some point along this journey, a doctor looked at the ground and shook his head.  I have actually seen this gesture a few times… heart surgery, another self-extubation, and the day that the Urologist told us that Kyleigh had less than a 3% chance of ever being continent on her own.  That was one [...]

Growing up in a Pentecostal church was an experience that has stayed with me.  If you have never been to a “camp meeting” then you are missing something!  Back in the old days there were big tents and little old ladies with their hand fans or better yet a fan fashioned from an old church [...]

As you all know I have a tiny obsession with Scentsy… I really probably should sell the stuff just to get a discount but I digress.  During our move my adorable ZEBRA warmer crock got cracked.  Luckily it was just the top plate so Troy ordered me another and a HUGE block of my favorite [...]

That day would be today.  Yes… my first car, that beautiful specimen of 1984 (and a half) Chevy S-10 will likely be headed to the junk yard soon.  It’s kind of sad to see it go.  We still use it a LOT to haul and it has moved our friends and family more time than [...]

So I have had to reformat my methods of shopping a bit for a few different reasons. 1) we moved and the Meijer that is closest to us (HAMBURG for all you lexingtonians….) is INFESTED with these little flying bug like creatures that hatch from dried goods and get in your whole house.  Its been [...]