Some days

"Some days I feel like $hit some days I wanna quit and just be normal for a bit" - Fort Minor

Everytime we have come and gone from the hospital in the past week it seems like this song has been on the radio and I stopped to really listen to it the other day and I feel like this is story of me right now. Today is the decompression day. The day AFTER the storm where everything is still in chaos yet you are supposed to be back to NORMAL life again.

Normal is all a state of mind I guess. I would give anything for normal. I would give anything for boring, stable, easy. Things like laundry and mowing the grass we have traded in for cleaning colostomy. Instead of cleaning dishes I clean out countless syringes, milk lines, pumps, hoses. Instead of checking on the beeping of a stove or oven I am now running for the blaring alarm of the heart monitor or the continuous feed pump.

Normal is being able to have the strength and time to fix a nice dinner for your family or sit down and read a book to your kids. Instead I am having to accept meals from other people because I just can't do it.

I feel like I am robbing my beautiful boys because any time that I do have to sit down I am completely exhausted mentally and physically. Pawning them off- begging people to watch them, having them sleep over at other houses when I know they would really rather be at home in their beds...

normal... I get the feeling that it will be a long time if ever before we are normal again.