Photo courtesy of my good friend Misty WoodwardAnd it feels like doomsday. I have been in a rather awful mood and been really snippy for a couple of days now and I do apologize to anyone I have snipped at. Monday is coming and I don’t want it to. Its coming way too fast. Monday we will have Ky’s MRI done. They will have to sedate her and strap her down. I don’t want to think about that part. Then we will have to WAIT… and I CANNOT think of that part. THEN we will find out about her spinal cord.
You know.. I look at her and we have learned to mange life with her existing conditions. Its not easy but we still enjoy her. She laughs, and talks, she is just gorgeous. And right now when I look at her I don’t worry. All I see is this gorgeous baby girl smiling back at me. But Monday… it may all change… I may be forced back into the world of reality where something ELSE is wrong with me perfect princess… and you know… I kind of like where i am now… dealing with life and trying to push everything else to the back of my mind… but when Monday comes I will be forced to yet again deal with more than any parent should ever have to.
When Monday comes I will want to run away, I will want to hide, I will NOT want to get out of bed. I will get that sick in the pit of my stomach feeling that just makes you want to vommit. I wonder what the cost of airfare will be to just get out of this place… When Monday comes the little bit of “normal” that we have managed to establish will all go away and we will back to phase one again…. where fear is normal, anxiety and stress are all that you can feel, and life is much like hell.
If there is anyone who can tell me how to leave this place… how to get out of this hellacious ordeal, how to make my baby girl stop hurting, start eating, and be done with it all, PLEASE I am begging you. Please… I will give anything I have, anything. Just to have her be okay.
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You know guys….someday this will all be a faded memory. You’ll never forget the horror and the misery and the sadness and the fear….but someday you will be at the “top” – you’ll know all there is to know about Ky’s conditions and her future and you won’t have to dread what might be around the corner that will pull you out of the comfort zone and make you fear again. Someday life will ease into the normal state that you’ve achieved these last few weeks where you can just “deal” and enjoy and be thankful for what you have and what you’ve gone through to get there. Keep your eyes on the ball – keep looking for that light at the end of the tunnel because sooner or later you WILL get there. In the meantime, you’ve got alot of friends and family praying and pulling for you. {{HUGS}}
I know exactly how you feel. There are millions of parents out there going through the same or worse. It is just that”pre-Ky” you looked at things differently than you do now. “Post-Ky” is actually the
norm for you now. It is totally NORMAL AND OKAY to feel like you want to run away and all the rest, but then who else would be able to give her what you all do? This will pass and then there will be something else to think about and so on……..You have got to let go of that,Am, for all of your sakes. You are wasting precious energy on this instead of using it for her good. Like you said, you don’t need anyone’s pity, even your own.I love you all.