Why is it that things that are supposed to by normal, happy, fun in our lives are turning into things that I just want to ignore. Christmas came and went and I could have cared less… New Year’s brunch, whatever, Ross’ birthday- totally skipped it- bought a cake and he never even got to eat it- it sat on top of my fridge and rotted. Valentines Day is tomorrow and I could care less. Easter is coming and I am trying to prepare early hoping that I can get myself “in the moood”… but its hard. It hard when there is so much hurt around you and you hurt so very much. Its hard to exist let alone be happy. And genuine HAPPINESS… who knows if that will ever return. I am living my dream of owning a studio. I am being asked to mentor people, to teach and speak. I have a nice house, three beautiful kids and I feel like I am in He11… how does that happen?
I will tell you how it happens. It happens when you go to buy your baby girl an Easter Dress and you find that perfect Ralph Lauren Smocked Dress in her SIZE~!! You take it to the counter and pay for it- its even on Sale! You take it home to hang it in the closet and you see it hanging there. It looks so lonely. And for just a moment a thought that you manage to squeeze out of your head crosses through you. OMG… what if. Because you see everytime that something really wonderful happens to me now – I have to wonder will this be the last. And the cloud of doom and fear manages to cloud over me.
What if that beautiful dress that is meant for Easter Day ends up being the one I have to bury my baby in. What if she never gets to see it alive… so I pick her up from her comfy little chair that she is sitting in and compulsively undress her and put the dress on her. Its so big… and although she is unhappy with me for doing it… but there I am sitting in the floor… my little peanut in this dress … just crying… today was a crying day.
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What you are feeling is totally normal and expected. Being told it is okay to feel this way is just one other thing we aren’t told by our physicians, just like having a special child is not mentioned the entire time you are pregnant.This will pass. But, unfortunately you will feel this way every time she has to have a surgery. It is those times that remind us of how we felt when we were told that there was a problem with our child.It just keeps rearing its ugly head and smacks you in the face. You get used to it, but that doesn’t mean you get any more accepting of it or that you like it. Each step is one more in the process of grieving for the child you expected before you knew Kyleigh. She is as beautiful as the boys are handsome. All 3 of my grandchildren are so special and so loved.
I love all of you,
Meha