Every surgery that we go through and every day older that Kyleigh gets she starts to realize more of what is happening. We spent nearly a month of being exclusively hers and now she is definitely having trouble with being apart from us… she SCREAMS bloody murder when I leave the room let alone leave the house. The only time I can walk out the door is if she is sleeping!

I have got to tell that a lesser woman would have closed her studio after tonight. We had to send the boys to Troy’s parent’s house yet again. Troy’s dad literally had to drag Ross to the car – he was screaming that he did not want to go … he didn’t want to leave the house. Well … with good reason. Seems like every time he leaves it takes two weeks before they get to come home. That was really hard for me. Until this past month the boys had been fine. They really hadn’t noticed a lot of what was going on with Ky. I am now realizing that this whole thing has been a lot harder on them that I had thought. That is taxing for me. To know that they are being uprooted from their house, their beds, their LIFE … that hurts my heart. I think that the next stay we will have to plan better. Troy will have to stay at home with them and I will have to go it alone at the hospital. I just need to suck it up. There are many moms before me who have made it… I can too. My boys need to be at home more than anything else and I feel very guilty for putting Ky’s needs ahead of theirs. There are so many choices that we have to make everyday for her that affect us all… I am TIRED of choosing… really I am.

And then there is Ky. We take her to the studio. The last time she was there she was throwing up and had just had her closure. This time she would NOT go into her pack and play at all. We tried to walk out of the room and she screamed until she turned blue. I CANNOT keep her in my lap while I consult and work with clients. Its completely unprofessional and it just cannot happen. Its one thing to have a quiet baby in another room behind a closed door… who no one notices… its another thing to have a screaming toddler. THEN my parents stop by to SEE Ky… friggin A – visit her at home… I just don’t get it… the studio is my BUSINESS… it is NOT a home no matter how much time I spend there. I was in teh middle of talking to a rep from CLEAR CHANNEL who is trying to start a partnership… and they walked in.. took her out of her crib… which we had FINALLY gotten her to stay in for a minute and be quiet… play with her for 1/2 hour and LEAVE… well after that she was DONE. We had to leave. There is no way I can work like this… something has to give.

I feel myself finding a nanny… soon. (hopefully this time she won’t be a crazy post teen!!!)

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