Anyone in Lexington I am SURE understands this analogy… the rest of you may not… LOL For those of you not from Lex, I must explain that Missy’s pies are simply the most divine pastry creations on earth! And peanut butter pie… omg.. I wish that I had had Missy’s Peanut Butter Pie instead of wedding cake! It is THAT GOOD! So… this is my standing offer… anyone who comes to visit us in Lexington, the Missy’s pie is on me!

I have had a lot of time to “think” this past week. Think about how I very much feel like I have done nothing but go in circles for nearly three years (two + pregnancy). Now I have stepped off this ride and my heading is spinning and I realize that I am right back where I began. Confused, looking for answers, fearing the worst, and hoping for the best. I have run the full circle this week. I even allowed myself to have a day when I just felt SORRY for my baby girl… the next day followed with a complete and consuming anger. I mean REALLY… how much more should one child have to go through? Then I moved into the assertive “get r done” phase. I am currently teetering between “get r done” and “who the hell cares… just stop”.

Part of me really just wants to quit with all the testing.. to give up and say stop… stop hurting her… stop poking her… stop stressing her body out… stop pushing and pulling… She had a complete breakdown at the mere sight of Dr. Kriss today (the wonderful radiology / flouroscopy doc at KY children’s). I feel like I am inflicting all these horrible tests on her and for what gain? To make life easier on MYSELF? Is the ONLY thing I am whining about a little puke every night? I just need to suck it up and get used to cleaning up puke if this is my only reasoning.

Then I took a step back and said… NO. That is not it. Because TRULY in my heart… in my soul all the way down to the pit of my stomach I know that I know… that this … is not something to be taken lightly. That part of me that KNEW something was wrong with her in utero even when they said she was “fine”, That part of me that knew that her open heart surgery would NOT be a 4 day in and out, that part of me that KNEW she had Chiari before they ever found it on MRI, that part of me that KNEW that something was not right Urologically… THAT part of me… knows that something is there and not right ….

It is that part of me that rises up and kicks my own A$$ and says… get over yourself and your own “feelings” and realize that you have to do what you have to do. If anything can be said about me is that I am a “scrapper”. Sometimes I make things more complicated than they have to be and I may take 10 steps to do something that only required two but dammit I get it done either way. I am a DOer. I am a fixer. Each time I feel like allowing her to just “be” I get this burning sensation that rushes over me that rises up and says NO. I refuse to accept this. I refuse to allow my baby to feel miserable. I refuse to watch her drag around nearly exhausted while her brothers are running and laughing. I refuse to do it. Before she was born I wanted her more than life itself…. I prayed for her… I begged God for her. And no matter what she is mine. And if you told me now … that we would have to go through this all over again or even something worse… I would never change anything. If you told me that there is still a long hard road ahead of me… I can handle that. All this fighting and pushing and begging and researching we have done. This FIGHT I have in me… there is more where that came from. When you grab this bull… you are going to get the horns…. (man did that sound like a country kid or WHAT???)

I refuse to believe that my baby girl will NOT grow up to be the principal dancer at the American Ballet Company. My princess is the most beautiful part of everything in life. She is all the best of me and Troy… she is everything that is wonderful and amazing. The sun rises an sets in her eyes and I know that one day she will grow up and find a special man who will look at her and see what I see and much, much more. Although I do not know what life has in store for her it is something beautiful, wonderful, and amazing.

That is why I continue on. I keep because the prospect of the amazing person she will be some day keeps me going. She has this new thing she does… she twirls… she is already DANCING!! I can’t help but think that although she is dancing in my kitchen today, someday very soon she will be dancing on the most beautiful stages in the world, captivating her audiences as she has captivated me. I can close my eyes and see her dancing at her wedding, captivating her wonderful husband and everyone in the place. These things are what keep me going.

I don’t SCARE easily. I am a fighter and I don’t quit…. ever. I am determined to make sure that she gets the life she deserves. She deserves this… she has earned it.

As long as I am able to embody these things I have the ability to continue pressing on without being overbearing.

Today we had a Contrast Enema done to check the mechanics of her gut and to make sure there were no strictures or obstructions. Honestly… that was the best looking flouro I have ever seen out of Ky. Not only were there no strictures she was not even constipated!!!! I will take a moment to bask in the glory of the STILL CLEAN colon! Moment done. Joe says that Dr. Kriss is definitely not enthusiastic about her motility…. its not great… its not really even GOOD. But the interesting part is that the BEST part of her colon is right at the anastimosis! That’s my kid! Most kids… if something was going to malfunction it would be the anastimosis itself…. oh no.. not my kid. We will go in Thursday for an upper GI (to check for reflux) and VCUG. Who knows if that will do us any good but we have to start somewhere. At least we are not inpatient. That is my one saving grace. I told Joe that we would go inpatient if we needed to and truly I was serious. I don’t care what we need to do but at this point we just need to do it and get some answers.

Sorry for being so long. That is what happens when I go a week without blogging…. I won’t let it happen again! LOL