**yes even the Schmidt’s have straight up snap shots! It is possible! So its not in focus…give me a break… I have a cold! LOL**

I am still “busy” being still. Is that an oxymoron? Trying not to push… trying to wait and see. Trying to deny everything that I have taught myself about being a good “medical” parent. I guess I need to busy myself with something else but my mind is distracted.

Today was Tennessee Day. It was a longer drive than I anticipated. The trip to Cincy seems like nothing at all, yet a little over an hour more seems like FOREVER. The drive south is much harder than north. Rougher terrain… Jellico Mountain, steep twists and turns and semi drivers who have no respect for the road or the people on it. UGH. I have said my peace on that so now I move on.

We got lost and were late. I hate that. I drive myself nuts being late. I cannot imagine what these offices think! The people in Dr. Smith’s office were very nice. Never once made mention that we were late or that it was a problem or anything. I knew that Dr. Smith was supposed to be leaving at noon. That is what they had told me when I scheduled the appointment so I felt really bad being late.

When we entered the room the nurse took a quick glance over Ky’s records and asked us what we hoped to get out of today’s visit since it appeared that we already HAD adequate Urological care. But you see that is the problem. I cannot settle for adequate. Part of the nature of my being is to do whatever it is that I do… exceedingly well and when those around me fail to live up to that I am somewhat dissapointed. Its a character flaw. I know.

It was not long waiting that Dr. Smith entered. This very bubbly, medium vocal toned man with his half hawaiian shirt and non-matching argyle socks. He sported a stylish buzz cut on his obviously balding head and a boisterous personality. No white coats or scrubs. No tie or even a badge. Just him. Without a thought he instantly began talking to Ky and examining her. No gloves, no “sterile” procedure, nothing tense or uptight. Instantly I could tell that Troy and I would really like him. He is just very much what we are used to… and it is comforting on so many levels. He seemed a bit puzzled as to why we would have traveled all the way to Tenneessee to see him when we were already seeing those in Cincy and we have a peds Uro here in Lexington. Our visit, had however, been pre-empted by my friend who recommended him to us. He knew exactly who we were. He asked questions as I sat there trying not to be overbearing. Trying not to come off as the know it all completely OCD mother. I am trying this being still thing … trying REALLY hard too!!

We started in on our story and an he allowed us to tell all the things that Ky has been through, and the process of cathing that we use etc. When I whipped out our “kit” for cathing he nearly dropped his jaw on the ground. He could not believe that in our everyday life we cath this child every 3 hours (and now overnight because Alam has requested that also) with this cumbersome procedure. I think he was quite astounded that we had actually continued to do this without blowing our brains out. He did an ultrasound of her bladder and kidneys before and after voiding. While he said he could see a bit of discrepancy between the two sides it was really nothing that would alarm him and no hydronephrosis… as always.

Generally I can say that this visit and this doctor was a breath of fresh air. I often leave Dr. Alam’s office with a headache, heartache, feeling at the end of my rope and mostly as if I just want to quit. Alam’s office nearly gives me a panic attack coming and going. I come home with this urgency and feeling of needing to do this, go here, make sure that this is right and that is okay, that this test is ordered, this level is checked and heaven forbid I must get the RIGHT betadine packet. It leaves me much like a vegetable in the brain. Overloaded and burned out.

Today I left Preston Smith’s office feeling like we are doing all we can do and that we truly are going above and beyond already in the efforts we are making. Most of all that WE as parent and what we are offering Kyleigh in life and in her treatment is ENOUGH. I never feel like the efforts we make in complying with Alam’s requests are enough. There is always something else. Like if she is getting infected it must be something that is wrong with US… our technique or cleanliness… And let me tell you one thing. There is no more CLEAN person in the world than me. I may allow my house and kids to be MESSY… but they are not DIRTY. Period. So on some level I think my issues in Alam are just that. My issues. I am really trying to get to the root of this Alam thing. I know it will never come down to a 2 hour Starbucks chat with him ( god knows he is not that type… ) but there must be some resolution. If you cannot go TO the source… and get in the mix to figure it out then maybe you should step AWAY and look at the big picture. So here I sit… being still and waiting to figure it all out.

As a parent to a kid like Ky you on many levels seek some kind of approval or validation that:
a) you did not cause this… (because that is always in the back of your mind)
or
b) you are doing everything in your power to correct it…

Somehow that need for validation is never met in Alam and WHY that is I don’t know. Troy and I talked about this on the way home. Troy pointed out that we can be okay with Alam from here on out. We can. We can be relieved that we are coming to (hopefully!) a lull in her urological status. We can appreciate that he finally GETS IT. But can we ever really be HAPPY with that practice? Probably not. There is too much baggage, history, too many elephants in the room. Troy LOVES Preston Smith already. I mean like truly ready to pull her records from Cincy and jump ship to TN.

I am not so much ready to do that. I am being still remember…. just still for a while. I will leave my assessment of Dr. Smith until I am done being still. I need some time for this to simmer and for this darn cold to go away so I can get my brain back out of the fog that is currently occupying it.

But for today I will at least be thankful that I am not near as stormy in my heart as I am in my head (the current cold is ravaging me again…fever, aches, chills, stuffed up, runny nose, watery eyes, coughing, sneezing… the works). I am being still for a while. In the famous words of Mercy Me…

“I was sure by now… that You would have reached down. And wiped our tears away… stepped in and saved the day. But once again I say Amen and its still raining”

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