What is harder than watching a friend live a life that is HARD? Being that friend who is living the life. I know that I have talked with several of my friends who also have special kids about how to DEAL with this life. How do we wake up every day and convince ourselves that life is ok. This is ok. Everything will be fine. Everything IS fine. Yes, so I finally got myself a therapist. She is great but she tells me… I don’t need her as much as I think I do! LOL Nice right… your therapist telling you you DON’T need therapy!
Yes, I am a tiny bit bitter and sarcastic about life but who isn’t? I truly don’t think that sunshine shines out my rear but I also don’t think the world is a generally bad place? So what does that make me? Normal? Weird? Scary?
I think its like this. Life is like an OCEAN. Sometimes you lay on the beach and watch the waves roll in and are able to fully appreciate them and their lovely sounds and breeze…. until you get sunburnt from laying there. Or sometime you decide to swim in the ocean and taste its salty sea water… floating along until you feel the stinging burn of the jellyfish as it breezes by your legs. Other times you decide to RIDE the waves… catching each current and living it to the fullest until you wipe out and cut your knee on the rock. Yes this is life. Even the amazing and beautiful things like roses and oceans… have their thorns and jellyfish. We meander about life not ever really noticing these things until they sting us.
After being stung you have two choices. Live in fear or fight. Fight the sunburn with sunscreen. Fight the jellyfish stings with meat tenderizer (a great trick acquired from my counsins in Florida). Fight the scraped knees with a body suit. If only I could find a wet suit for life. Some thick skin that would keep me warm in cold waters and keep my from getting cut on the rocks. If only. Alas there is no wet suit for life. So back to my choices… live in fear or fight. Obviously you can tell which road is less traveled in my life. Yes… I have fears and I fight them in my head every single day. Will Ky’s intestines stop working today? Will her heart fail today? Will my health fail today? Will my boys be ok today? Will my husband leave today? Is my life a lie TODAY?
Most days I am able to put these things out of my mind. Say a prayer, look around and appreciate what I have. CHOOSING not to worry about tomorrow or the things that MAY be… I manage to live most of my days in the here and now. But then there are THOSE days. The, for lack of a better way to state it, dark days. The days when the fears get the best of you and the memories come flooding back. They sting your face with tears and they tear at your heart with hurt. They linger in your mind and you find yourself…………. well how DO you find yourself on these days? Lost? Hurting? Angry?
Anger seems to be my vehicle lately. I managed to have some horrid flashback the other day, then a Chick Fil A milkshake spilled on my car, then it started to pour the rain as I was bringing out the groceries. By the time I got home I was just pissed off. I was having a pissed off day and I told Troy this. I know on those days that he struggles to find a way to help me be NOT pissed off because he knows that a lot of it stems from him and his actions. He can SAY the right words, do the right thing and sometimes its still not enough. Sometimes I just need to cry. To vent and get it out. Sometimes I just need to DEAL with it and move on.
Dealing is not easy. Facing those demons in your heart and mind is the last thing that anyone wants to do. If anyone has seen the movie 7 lbs. with Will Smith… some days I feel like him. The flashbacks as he sees them… they are as real to me as that. I won’t give any spoilers but this is a movie everyone should see. It is a powerful movie that makes you think. What is your life about? What is your life’s worth?
The movie brought up a lot of things for me. A lot of hurt and pain that I just manage to live with. I wish that there was a way just to be rid of these things… poof. If anyone finds that magic wand please be sure to send it to me. But I realize… I look around and I realize… as conceited as this may sound… I am an amazing person. I have managed to live through the worst, forgive the unforgiveable, forget the unforgettable, love the unloveable, be kind when needed and firm when I had to, I have seen my past year through the most horrible things that can be thrown at one and TODAY I stand on the Mountain and look back at the Valley and laugh. For all my pain and tears, scars and bloodshed… here I am. Still here, still me and that is a DAMN good thing to be.
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