Sometimes when I have a bad day I find myself “window” shopping online. Why? I dunno. Most of the stuff I am looking at I could never afford but still I look. Sometimes but rarely I come across something that I absolutely love and would NEVER think of buying just because it costs too much… 95% of my kids clothes come from consignment. It started out as just looking for a deal but now it has become a necessity. I guess it was a good thing that God broke me in so that I didn’t feel like the kids were “missing out” on pretty new clothes.
It must be one of those days because it brought me to tears. A stupid pink dress brought me to tears. I don’t honestly think it was about the dress. It was about life’s entire circumstance as of now. I thought that by the time Owen was ready for school we would be able to afford Christian School. I thought that we would have the BIG house, the mini van, the dance lessons and the Y membership. I guess I never really planned for upwards of $30K in medical debt. I never planned to be out of work for a YEAR’s worth of days. Even the best laid plans fail I guess.
So yes. I do have days when I have a bit of a pity party. Today happens to be one of them. I am in desperate need of a Van lest I injure my children for annoying each other in the car on the way to church. Another bill arrived today and with my upcoming surgery I am starting to stress about money all over again. I know that I need to lay this burden at His feet and let it go but its hard. You all know as well as I do. Its hard when you have to face it every single day.
Every time I have any kind of thoughts like this I know that I am being really petty. There are so many who are loosing their homes (and although we would be close we haven’t), loosing their jobs (we pray about this every SINGLE day) and our entire country is in crisis… that just doesn’t make me feel any better some days. I try not to whine and moan about things. To stay positive no matter what. To never ask why. I try to make lemonade but sometimes I feel like once I have MADE the lemonade I realize that it is, in spite of being a favorite drink of mine, too sour. What happens then? What happens when your lemonade is too sour? Where is life’s “Sugar” to take that edge off?
So many people as us HOW do you do it? Financially we are always just hanging by a thread. Emotionally we are spent. Physically we are exhausted. But we keep on… HOW? Not of ourselves. This I know. Me.. I am NOT strong enough to fare this on my own. I am just glad I have a Heavenly Father who is willing to go the storm with me. Days like today I find myself here… being.. hanging on by a thread.
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