Sorry I left you guys hanging on my “no good, very bad” post.

In my life the one form of pride that I have struggled with is “achievement”.  The fact that I can say I did it.  I don’t care much to have a huge house or an expensive car, but I pride myself on saying that ” we did it “.  We defied all the odds of getting married young (obviously not), we defied all the odds of starting our own business ( I CAN still claim this in ways ), we defied all the odds of having a special child (cannot even get into that right now). I guess God really knows how to take away your “foolish pride”.

This week I have watched a great many things in my life come crashing down.  Somehow… as bad as they ARE… they just don’t seem all that bad anymore.  Years ago I would have had a nervous breakdown but after the past few years… it just doesn’t matter and I know that.  I have watched my child “die” twice.  I have watched our nanny, who I called a friend and member of my family, totally betray me.  I have heard my husband say “I think I am falling out of love with you”.  I have felt the rejection from people who had “told me” they loved me like their own.  I am now watching my own husband be able to empathize with me as he too feels the sting of abandonment.

Through it all… I am NOT alone.  I am NOT defeated.  Neither is Troy.  I hurts like …well you know.  But until you take the breath from my body I am NOT done.  As I have said before I will NOT stop fighting.  The past few days, music, as it has many times before, continues to be such a comfort.  If you have not listened intently to the words of the Natalie Grant song “Held”…. you should.

Here are the lyrics: (Natalie Grant – Held)

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We’re asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held
We’d be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This is what it means to be held…..

Wow… this could not be MORE my life right now.  Right NOW … this is what it is to be held.  How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you SURVIVE!  Above all things… we WILL survive this.  This will not take from us what is not rightfully its to take.  We WILL stand in this storm no matter how hard the winds blow.  Even if the flood waters rage we will stand.  As much as my heart aches to be found, scooped up and taken away from all of this, I know that it may not ultimately be God’s plan.  But it IS his plan that I be HELD through it all by his mighty arms.

I came home from shopping at Meijer last night (yay free stuff from another meter deal!) and found this on the back of the front door:

Troy had been doing some studying in his bible while I was gone and had printed this and placed it on the back of the door.  What a difference a year will make huh?  What a powerful statement in Jeremiah.  That the LORD stands beside me like a great warrior… that calms my heart in ways I cannot explain.

Tonight this verse will be going up on my wall:

Isaiah 61:9

“Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the LORD has blessed.”

Above all else… I want to know that my children will not have to endure the hardships that we have.  I want to change the possibilities for the future.  I want to give them hope that no matter what their God is able to move mountains and change the course of THEIR history. I want them to know that they are blessed.

Popularity: 16% [?]