Well week 5 came and it went and Tuesday is my 6 week visit with my neurologist.  As I sit here I cannot feel my toes except for the knives and needles that seem to be invading them.  I went to slip on my shoes this morning and was sure that they were not going to fit because they were “swollen” only to find out that my feet were in fact NOT swollen at all.  They were nicely “un” swollen and slipped right in.  I think that week 5, more than any other week, has seen my brain bring more “trickery” to me than any week thus far.  I feel MORE out of control of my own body than I have ever before.  At least when I am mixing up words I KNOW what I want I just get frustrated trying to do it.  This week… I sometimes cannot even tell you where I am or what is going on.  I draw complete blanks and conversations turn into tunnels of nothingness.  I underestimate how far I am from doors and run into them, walls too.  I fall into shower walls and leaning over to pull my pants up to stand up from the potty.  I feel like an 80 year old person… (no offense to the 80 year old crowd… but I am 26 here people… come on!)

I found out that War of the World is a HORRIBLE movie for a person with any kind of Epilepsy and it sent me into a complete fit… made me so ill I nearly puked…

Nausea induced wretching of course brings nothing back up because either a) I have NO appetite (if only that meant I were loosing some weight… grr) or b) I have absolutely no gag reflex left (couldn’t vomit no matter HOW much I want to).  4 out of 7 days I have laid in bed or sat somewhere with the world spinning, my ears ringing, life going on around me and feeling very much like I was going to loose control of every function inside me all at once (if you KNOW what I mean… uh hmmm).  It is a strange and truly awful feeling.  Normally when you feel bad like that, when you have the flu you lay down and go to sleep but sleep brings no solace for me.  I wake up in the same shape I laid down in so it does me no good.  I just loose time.

I continue to push myself, which only makes thing worse, but I don’t really get a choice in this.  I wish that I could find that magic light switch in my head that turned my brain back “on” to normal, but as I have learned with Kyleigh, normal is all relative.  The one thing I fear the worst is that I, like Kyleigh, may never truly be “normal” again.

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