Tonight was the Art of Making Miracles for the Makenna Foundation.  I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed being there, doing what I do, enjoying the September air, the food, the company.  It was great.  I have only photographed one wedding since the ominous “diagnosis” and my meds were not titrated correctly yet so I did not feel that I could count on that to be my norm.  I am SO happy to say that after two months of meds I am feeling MUCH (worlds even) better!  I only stutter now when I get really tired.  My pain is under control.  I still have bad days (sometimes a few in a row) when I over work myself but mostly I am feeling better than I have felt in YEARS. Truthfully I did not realize how badly I was feeling until I got to feeling better.

As for surgery.  I am on hold with that until I find a neurosurgeon that I am on the same wavelength with and that I can trust.  Yes yes… alas I need a “Joe” of adult neurosurgery.  Its a tall order.  I know there is someone out there who will be the right fit for me.  I am seriously considering the Cleveland Clinic because of its geographic location and because they do have one of the top ranked Chiari Neuro’s in the world.  His approach to Chiari is multi-faceted which I LOVE.  They treat you on a WHOLE body basis.  I think too many neurosurgeons treat only the brain and the rest you are left to flounder through on your own.  I think that this Doctor truly has a deep understanding of Chiari and its systemic effects.  So I am making progress there…. slowly but surely.  The biggest thing is that his overall evaluation takes an entire week.  There are lots of scans, MRI, a cine MRI, rhematology evaluation, etc.  For us finding a time when we can be away from all of our kids, business, home and jobs is HARD not to mention the lost income etc.  We are praying very hard about this obviously because this is one of the biggest decisions in our life.  We are also having to make some other really tough choices about our life in general, monetary issues, etc. and that is adding to the stress.

But tonight… tonight I was able to go (fully medicated of course… man I felt good!) to the AOMM and just be me.  For the first time in a long time I was able to do what I loved.  With relatively little pain and “issues”.. everyone kept telling me I looked really good.  I cannot tell you how nice it is to hear that.  I have gotten a bit paranoid because the night we were leaving for Gulf Shores we stopped at Walgreens.  I know that I sometimes have some pretty bad visible symptoms like twitching, etc.  My eyes and face must have been twitching because the cashier checking me out said to me kind of abruptly “Did I do something wrong?  You just made a face at me…”  It was everything I could do not to burst into tears right there.  I held it together until I got to the van.  Its one thing to have something going on inside you and to be able to “function normally” but all I wanted to say to her was “I have a flippin brain disorder.. is that an issue?”  I didn’t.  I just smiled and said no… I am sorry I didn’t mean to make a face.  I know that this employee went on with her night having NO clue what was going on in my head.  The whole thing was like a ton of bricks.  Even if I did want to hide this… I can’t.  I don’t have that choice.  Any illusion of “normal” is gone.  I can’t even be normal.  My kid is not normal, my family, my job, my house, my life.  All of it… just totally “out there”.  Sigh.  Sometimes its more than I care to think about.

But tonight, for the first time in a very long time.  I felt normal.  I was just Amber Teater Schmidt, the photographer, the mom, the friend.  AND I was “OMgosh I cannot believe its YOU”.  I don’t know if I have ever shared the story of Cameron Mills but when I was 14 years old, Cameron was a sophomore at UK.  I don’t know what made me pick him but he was my FAVORITE player.  All my friends liked all the “big name” guys but not me.  Maybe its my love of the underdog or maybe it was because he was the hometown boy but either way… he was IT!

Yes, yes… that’s me, the little teenage girl.. Now THERE is a throw back to the WAY back for you.  Sigh.  I was convinced I would marry that guy someday and openly professed my undying love with my 5 foot banner that proclaimed “I LOVE YOU CAMERON!!!”.  LOL.  (yes… insert the laughter now….)

(See the sign?  Yes… 1/4 of it is hidden behind Samantha.  It was large and in charge just let me tell you!)  I understand that your sides are now hurting as you laugh hysterically and I am totally ok with the fact that you ARE laughing AT me and not WITH me.  I have laughed AT me too!  Oh geez… I am laughing now as a matter of fact… but I digress.

It was almost like a joke that each game, every homecoming, midnight madness… there I was, his “sign girl” as I was affectionately nicknamed.  Its ok… I like to think he was kind of fond of me!  After three years Cameron would get his moment of glory with the “shot heard ’round’ Kentucky” and I watched it with tears!  THEN he had LOTS of fans… but me,  I was his biggest fan and had been since before he did anything but run on the treadmill (and he did a lot of that!).

Imagine how I smiled tonight when I walked in to the Art of Making Miracles and there was Cameron Mills.  I couldn’t do anything but laugh with the irony of it all. I had feared how I would be emotionally going to this knowing that this time, one year ago, my world was about to fall apart.  Knowing WHERE Troy was while I was at the AOMM last just put me in a mental state that I don’t like to be in.  I try not to stay there and honestly those “bad days” are coming with less frequency now.  I am VERY thankful for that.  I pray that I forget alas that will probably not happen.

So to walk in and see Cameron… I could do nothing but laugh.  Like God’s own little inside joke to me.  Yes, he was a little older and worn by the years but hey, aren’t we all?  He was Cameron nonetheless.  I got to talk to him for a bit and it was really nice.  Imagine that… who could really forget a silly girl who carried a 5 foot sign around for three years?  We caught up on life a bit, I showed him pictures of my kids and I got to see his niece (who consequently has Owen’s color red hair!).  It was really nice.  I still smile when I see that guy.  Why?  I don’t honestly know.  Am I in LOOOOOVE… sheesh no… LOL… absolutely not.  But some part of me remembers the excitement of those bygone days.  Such hope and so many dreams.  Amazing how life changes (not necessarily in a bad way… just different) and I realized something very important.

When I talked to Cameron I didn’t WISH for something else.  I didn’t WISH for another life.  I didn’t wonder what it would be like to be somehwere else.  I didn’t think “what if” and I didn’t think for one moment of the entire night about this time last year, or “the nanny” or anything else.  I was just THERE and so PROUD to tell him about MY husband, MY kids, MY business.  Because for all its faults… this life is MINE.  It was destined to be mine, I believe because God knew there are not ten other women who would have done what I have done, been where I have been, lived the life I have and still been around to tell the story.  I have fought hard to keep it.   I am DARN proud of it.  Instantly I realized, there was nowhere else I would rather be in my life right now than here, with this man, these kids, this house, this business, this brain and THIS life.

So thank you Cameron Mills… it was a great little trip down memory lane.  Thanks, moreso, for helping me realize how very thankful I truly AM for this life and this journey that I have been given.  I don’t think I have EVER been prouder than in those few minutes of talking to you.  Tonight I am smiling from the inside out because I know that God has blessed me in ways I don’t even comprehend!  I pray that, for the rest of my life, I will continue to get these little glimpses of the TRUTH of my reality that He “PLANS to prosper me and NOT to harm me, plans to give me HOPE and a future”.  My reality is not dark and sad.  It is joyful and with pride I will continue to live it to the fullest!!!

PS… I hope ALL of you will join us next year for the 2010 Art of Making Miracles to benefit the Kentucky Children’s Hospital.  It truly is a magical night filled with great food, tons of fun and for a GREAT cause that is obviously near and dear to me!

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