When I talked to my neurologist about my PAIN that is what he had to offer me.  “Do you think you could be depressed?”  Really buddy… ya think?  I have NO idea what I have to be DEPRESSED about other than the fact that my brain is completely crapping out on me, I am locked inside my own head (which consequently hurts in ways that I cannot describe without cursing) and I am too tired to get up and do much of anything even IF I felt like it.  So yes, I am depressed but if you honestly think that giving me God’s gift to women Prozac, Paxil, Effexor, or any other such entity is going to take away the fact that I am CONSTANTLY in pain… then you need more medical schooling.

I understand now why so many Chiari patients say that they feel alone.  Even with tons of people around them who care, they are very lonely.  To me, its like this, whether or not I take the meds makes very little difference.  Its the difference between feeling “minorly bad” or feeling like death… really is it that big of a difference?  Why even take the meds at all?  They are not a cure.  There is nothing that you can take to make it all go away and make you feel BETTER… so why even dope yourself with all this junk?  Even surgery is only a shot in the dark…. its a very hopeless feeling.

People with other diagnoses, you cut, radiate and move on.  You either live or die.  I am pretty sure that Chiari, in its most elemental form… IS the devil.  That is pretty much how I feel today.  It is some form of evil, conjured up to torment the minds of its victims.  To make sure that you are upset, angry, and lonely AND in pain at the same time.  Chiari… is not so kind as to GIVE you something to cut out.  There is nothing but your OWN body system, which you need to function, that is making you ill.  Its not a foreign body… its native.  Chiari is like the greatest of all traitors.  Its hard to understand how on earth something like your own BRAIN can betray you in such a way.  When other people betray you its one thing but to have your own body commit treason against you.  Its unthinkable.

Tonight I say to my brain… “Et tu Brute?”  (or should I say “Et tu Cerebrum?”) …….. sigh… its been a long week.

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