I feel, in so many ways, absent.  Absent from life, from happiness, from myself…. I wonder how it is that a person who has been SO close to God can feel so close and so dependent and yet so FAR away at the same time.  I have said it many times before but so many times I feel as if I am standing in a crowded room screaming and its as if no one even hears me…. I know that I am pretty angry about this. I find that my anger is rooted mostly, in my own failure. When was it that we became expected to be and do so many things? But I watch my kids and I know that I cannot explain to them why mommy just cannot get out of bed in the morning and I will never be that person. Until this disease puts me in a chair… I will NOT be that person. So as soon as I see those bright Kyleigh eyes in the morning (which are inevitably up with the sun) and hear that adorable little “Mommee” that she has patented, no matter what my pain is like I find enough strength to get up and start the day.

This week my pain levels are nearly intolerable.  It exhausts you, to be in that much pain.  So why don’t I just get some pain meds?  Because this is something called Neuropathic pain.  This is pressure pain that can only be relieved by relieving that which is causing pressure and at this I cannot do that.  I have a life, I have too many other things calling my name to drop everything and have a piece of my skull chopped out.  I guess maybe at some point I will get desperate enough to want to rip my OWN skull out but right now… I just can’t. I can’t because I worry too much. I can’t take my kids mother away. I can’t take the photographer away from my business… not right now. I can’t ask my husband to do this hospital thing yet again.. I mean that is what caused his break down the first time right?

But seriously what about me. I spend so much time worrying about everyone else… what about me? Right now I need to “deal” with myself. I put myself on the back burner too often. I mean I have needed dental work for TWO YEARS that I somehow I cannot justify paying for. I keep telling myself that everyone else needs something before me and now my body is experiencing the repercussions of constantly being put second (third, fourth, fifth even). I am thinking maybe I need to go back to my therapist.  Because I am crazy… nope.  I am anything but that.  In fact, I might just be, the sanest person I know, which is what makes it hard to live in a world full of craziness. I think I just need her to listen. Not to give advice or to tell me to “move on”… just to listen and to truly HEAR what I am saying. Yes plenty of people “listen” but do they HEAR what I am saying… no.

This week has been hard.  Its kind of like remembering the DEATH of a loved one.  Last year at this time I watched my marriage DIE.  I watched the soul of a person I knew better than anyone else DIE.  I watched my family unit as I had always known it… DIE.  In so many ways, this time last year, I was dying and although I KNEW it, I was powerless to stop it.  For me, being powerless is a penalty worse than death.  To have the inability to fix or better yet, doing ANYTHING about a situation… that is just not me.

So this year I find myself grieving.  Grieving that which I have lost.  Grieving that which was, which NEVER was (although I may have THOUGHT it was) and that which will never be.  Yes, so I cannot dwell on the past forever but I am ill advised to completely forget it and move on like it never happened.  That is totally unfair to all involved, and mainly me.  Why?  Because I suffered and penalty WORSE than death during those two horrible months of fall last year.  And now… now I am expected to “move on” to be “okay”, happy even.  And while I AM happy with a great many things, there are things I just cannot forget.

I mean really God.  You give me this messed up brain, which comes with its own set of “reset” buttons and yet you cannot manage to find a RESET button for those two months?  Maybe when I have my brain surgery I can ask the surgeon to take out the part of my brain that remembers September and October of last year.  Think he can do that?  Yeah… me either.  So I am left with this quandary of HOW to move on.  I know the why’s… but How?  Because I let my guard down.  I allowed myself to think that it would NEVER happen to me!  Not my husband.  I knew him better than that.  He was TOO good for that.  TOO far above that.  I thought the world of him.  In so many ways he was my Hero.

How do you restore faith in a fallen hero?  Where do you go from here?

This week sucks for me.  Plain and simple.  It sucks to be in pain in every way that one can be.  It sucks to not even feel like you can talk to the one person who you SHOULD be able to talk to.  Heaven forbid I criticize too much or come down too hard on him.  I mean I did not just suffer through the SAME years of marriage and Kyleigh that he did… I mean I did not destroy my body by giving birth to three kids and work my rear end off to create a business with some semblance of a name.  I didn’t call, email, get on the phone, write, and record every living second of my child’s life in an effort to keep her alive and keep her doctors on board.  Nope… evidently I did NOTHING except sit around and bark orders and be melodramatic.  That evidently is all my life boils down to.

I just don’t understand how it is that someone can do something so awful… so terrible and its expected of me and a CHRISTIAN to “poof” forget. Yet I go through the same stresses, the same hardships, the SAME family situation and I do NOT go to the can and somehow I am the “bitter”, “angry” one and that is somehow SO wrong. I am the wrong one. How the heck did that happen?

While I have found that the bulk of humanity are generally amazing and kind… I have also found that there are those in life who just generally suck.  As supporting members in the cast of human character… they just suck as human beings. They live here on earth, the consume air and resources and yet they CONTRIBUTE nothing. They have nothing to give. They are like drones. Their only ACTION is REaction to things that “affect” them. As long as it doesn’t affect them they are happy to sit by and do nothing.  That saddens me.  Hurts me to know that these people, this human race that I have so much faith in, that I have seen be SO strong and supportive can also be a double edged sword. I have never been that person. You can call be opinionated, melodramatic or whatever you want but I am me.

A great minister I once had the privilege of sitting under said “If you don’t STAND for something, you will FALL for anything”. Its true. Choose a side and get on it but be ready for the repercussions of that choice. We teach our children that the CHOICES we make come with consequences. Some are dire, some are GRAND and beautiful. But no matter the outcome, these choices are rarely easy. I think the fact that God gave humans FREE will is the biggest plight of us all. Sigh… so much to be thinking about on a Monday night.

The holidays are coming and I don’t know whether I am looking forward to or dreading these holidays.  Maybe we will just run away to the beach again and avoid everything else.  I could be fine with that.  Why is it that I feel I need to run away?  Why do I not WANT to be here?  When did I become THIS person?  I don’t have the answers to my own questions.  And that sucks too.

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