Both of us, since traveling this road, have watched as countless numbers of our friends ended up on the path and took the OTHER fork in the road.  For a great many reasons, I find that divorce is sometimes a necessary evil.  Is it ever GOOD?  No.  Does EVERYONE involved end up hurt?  Yes.  But is is sometimes necessary?  Yes.  Would I have been “right” or “justified” to say that I was DONE with my marriage?  Biblically yes.  I was released from my husband the first moment that he chose to lay a hand on “the paramour” (this is a term that was affectionately coined by a well known Christian writer- Dr. David Clarke).  At that point, God would have released me, without prejudice, from my husband.  I could have gone on to a new life, started over and in many ways that would have been easier than the road I chose.  Mostly because it is a road that is understood.  It is a road in which I would have had tons of cheerleaders and support along the way.  “Yay!!!  You are a strong WOMAN”, “you can do it all on your own”, “you are a single mother”, so on and so forth.  Would all those things have been true?  Yes.  Would these people, these friends and cheerleaders have been wrong in persuading me?  Actually no.  Would I have made it and been all the better for it?  Likely yes.  BUT and this is the huge BUT in it all… my husband would not have.  He would not have made it out “alive”.  Would his physical self have continued to sustain life, yes absolutely, but the man I KNOW and LOVE would have died and never returned.  He would have become someone different.  Someone cold and unfamiliar.  I, was not WILLING, to sit back and allow that to happen.  It is quite possible that even with MY determination that he could have ended up that way anyhow but I stormed the gates of Heaven on his behalf.  Our Heavenly Father saw fit to right this “wrong” situation.  My husband became open to the process somewhere is his “crisis” and when the time was right God thrust Himself into our mix.  Then and only THEN did things change.  I will never deceive myself into thinking that “I”, Me, Myself “saved” this marriage because I didn’t.  I had my faults and breakdowns… I was high, low and everything in between.  When it came RIGHT down to it though, those seeds that were sown in my from birth, the knowledge of right and wrong, good and evil, black and white… those things led me to my knees and to the ultimate Restorer.  I found myself in a unique position to be able to look at the situation and see past all that “was” to what “could be”.  I claimed those things and rejected the rest and THEN I put my husband on notice that I was coming for him.

Now that is NOT to say that Troy has not done his fair share of hard work in this.  He has.  He has worked his rear end off, cried his eyes out, hurt with the depth of his soul, apologized with everything in him and the old “us” has been broken.  Has it been easy on him?  Absolutely not.  Has it been easy on ME… HAH … HAH!  I laugh at even the inkling that I somehow came out of this unscathed.  Because of that we have had to make time to find a NEW us and I have to say that the NEW us… pretty much rocks.  We are strong and steadfast.  We are kind and sweet to each other.  We are considerate and slow to anger.  We are patient with each other and slow to speak.  We are listeners and “feelers”.  We are never “afraid” to say something or to hold each other accountable.  We are all the things we knew we WANTED but never knew how to BE before.  One of the greatest lies that society tells us is that a marriage is 50/50.  I beg to differ.  50/50 implies that there is room for one to do MORE than the other.  In a marriage there is ONLY 100/100.  BOTH parties must be willing to give it EVERYTHING they have and more because you can accept no less.

So going back to Emmy.  She wrote in her blog posting the other day that Donald Miller (best selling author) says that “heroes and villains are very close. They both have strengths, struggles and catastrophic flaws, but in the climactic moment the villain will chose what is best for himself and the hero will choose what is best for others. The best stories are the ones where people die if the hero doesn’t get what he wants.”

So in ever story there must be a hero and a villain.  Its just the nature of writing.  There must a plot, climax, and resolution.  These are things that you are taught in school.  In our story… the story of our life… I find this statement about heroes and villains to be a powerful and very true anecdote.  For me, in this situation, I would have (arguably) been “better off” to be done with the whole mess and move on.  I could have gone on and done all the things that I dreamed of (whatever those would have been).  But, as catastrophically flawed as I am, I looked at the situation and I was UNWILLING to allow the man that I knew as my husband to be left by the wayside for death.  In the heat of the battle I refused to be broken and I refused to allow it to break him. For everything that they are worth, your friends and families can be some of your worst enemies in judging what is morally right and wrong.  They feel this need to “be on your side” and so they take a position to “support” you that they might not have in other situations.  For all my mother is or is not… she has NEVER been that person.  In the grand scheme of life I was taught that right is right, wrong is wrong and no amount of justification or prejudice will ever make a wrong right or even OKAY for that matter.  There is no gray area.  Even a half truth is a lie.  I feel like more people in life should live in a black and white world.  Too often our society seems to “justify” things and this is nothing more than a lie.

My grandfather used to say “Never take advice from someone who knows LESS than you do”.  That has always stayed with me.  Sometimes I question what it is that I “know” but there are some unfailing truths that I will never question in my life.  I know that love never fails.  I know that my Heavenly Father is ALWAYS there whether he comes in the sun or in the storm.  I know that life is beautiful and children are magical.  I know that I am here on earth to accomplish a certain purpose and one my purpose is fulfilled my time here will expire and I will finally go home and live forever with a perfect body and worshiping my Lord for all time.

I also know, that in this story, our story, one of Heroes and Villains, I was given a choice.  Just as clearly as I write this right now I know that one evening as I lay crying in my kitchen floor, begging God to do something, ANYTHING to help me through this awful situation.  I remember thinking that my heart and soul literally ached so badly that I thought I might take my last breath.  I had no idea how to exist.  I began to beg for God to help me.  I had no idea what to do or how to do it and I cried out.  In the middle of my sobbing tears He asked me… “What do you want?”  I remember giving some generic answer like “I want it all to be okay” and I could feel His voice becoming stern as He again asked “No… what is it that YOU want Amber… what life do you want?  What road do you want to take?”.  I was shocked that God would actually pose a question like that to me.  I believe that HE is the ruler of all and HIS plan reigns supreme so having Him ask me this question I was utterly dumbfounded.  I was speechless but instantly the tears came and I, without a second hesitation said…. I want MY husband back.  I want the man that I KNOW and married back.  This person who is inhabiting his body now I do not know nor love him and that is NOT who I wish to spend my life with.  I want MY husband back.

Immediately after that came out of my mouth, I nearly clasped my hand over it as if I had said something I was embarrassed of.  Like when you are a kid and something slips that you know you were not supposed to say… like that.  I thought… are you kidding me?  Am I the lamest, weakest woman ever?  Why on EARTH would I want that?  Do I not want BETTER for myself?  I had spent this time telling myself I would be okay and I could go live whatever life I wanted.  For the most part, with or without this ending I would have been “okay”.  I began to question what it was that I had just said and if you asked my “head” I am sure I would have “said” otherwise but instantly in a single thread of consciousness my thoughts stumbled to Luke 6:45.

^{Luke 6:45} A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

Wow… without a single thought I instantly chose him.  I chose not what was best for me.  Not what I WANTED because believe you me at the time my “self” would not have WANTED him but my heart and my soul was dying for him.  I chose not to protect my own heart or desires… I chose him.  I chose someone else.  I chose to continue to GIVE instead of take.  I realized in that moment… that my heart… was good and my intentions were pure.  The things that I said, that seemed abrasive and lashing were not out of malice… they were of truth and a desire to see that man that I knew and loved return.  In a split second I knew I would never regret what I had just asked for because it truly came from the abundance of my heart.  In this story of hero’s and villains… I allowed someone who is bigger than all of us to write the ending and just like in the fairy tales… the good won out.  The hero lived to fight another day and the kingdom was at peace.  Pretty amazing all things considered.

So how on earth does my brain stumble through this thought process?  Is this something that I spend all my days thinking of?  Nope.  Actually its been at least a month since I really had a good long pondering of last year’s events.  The other day when I heard a Christmas song by Amy Grant it activated my ponderings.  (Funny eh??  That I can get all of this from a Christmas song… lol  I told you music inspires me!).  The song is called “Grown Up Christmas List”.  The words are pretty amazing.  Its from a woman who writes to Santa about her “grown up” Christmas List.  It is quite a bit different than the traditional “list” but it embodies everything that the human condition is about.  In the song she says “right would always win and love would never end”.  I guess I got my grown up Christmas wish last year and this year.  What more could a girl want?

Grown Up Christmas List by Amy Grant

Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee;
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies.

Well, i’m all grown-up now,
And still need help somehow.(can you still help somehow)
I’m not a child,
But my heart still can dream.

So here’s my lifelong wish,
My grown-up christmas list.
Not for myself,
But for a world in need.

No more lives torn apart,
That wars would never start,(and wars would never start)
And time would heal all hearts.
And everyone would have a friend,
And right would always win,
And love would never end.
This is my grown-up christmas list.

As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree.(wrapped beneath the tree)

Well heaven surely knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul.

No more lives torn apart,
That wars would never start,
And time would heal all hearts.
And everyone would have a friend,
And right would always win,
And love would never end.
This is my grown-up christmas list.

What is this illusion called the innocence of youth?
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth.
(there’d be)

No more lives torn apart,
That wars would never start,
And time would heal all hearts.
And everyone would have a friend,
And right would always win,
And love would never end, oh.
This is my grown-up christmas list.

This is my grown-up christmas list.

Recent Comments:

• Dianne says Thanks for sharing your family with us, your kids are so cute! [more]
• Amber says Nicole… I emailed you! Sorry it took me so long! [more]
• Amber says Nope.. I am not gone… just busy! Had a crazy, amazing, awesome and BLESSED summer and fall [more]
• Melissa Gooch says I hope you and your family are well. I was just wondering if you have you given up this [more]
• Nicole Walters says Hello
  I was recently diagnosed with chiari, and now my children are also showing symptoms. I came across your blog online, [more]

• November 24, 2009 -- Be Still my heart… (er.. nose)
• November 22, 2009 -- Making Peace…
• March 5, 2010 -- Priorities.
• January 12, 2010 -- Coming Home!
• December 16, 2009 -- What faith has done.

Kate… if you ever get the occasion to read this… I thought that WE were better than that too…. and we were… we just didn’t realize it and I believe that you and Jon are too!!!!

I know that everyone rips on Kate.  She’s bossy, she’s controlling, she DROVE him away.  That is just a lie.  I do NOT care what she has said or done it gives Jon absolutely NO right to do anything that he has done.  He made a commitment to his family and he made a CHOICE.

Kate… if you are still reading now… PLEASE do NOT feel guilty.  YOU did not do this.  YOU do NOT deserve this.  Period.

I know Jon has said that he did not CHEAT on Kate.  I have to be a little candid when I say… just because there was no “sex” that does not constitute complete faithfulness.  If you kissed someone… you cheated.  If you had an “inappropriate relationship”… YOU CHEATED.

Inappropriate relationship… that is what Troy liked to call it.  Its a bit of a flowery term don’t you think?  A little like a chocolate dipped jalepeno pepper… it looks like chocolate… but on the inside it is something that is the furthest from it.  It bites you and you didn’t see that coming because you THOUGHT it was chocolate.

Watching tonight’s episode was HARD for me.  Its been a good long time since I had a really CRAPPY day thinking about “the incident” and tonight I KNEW full well going into it that it would be this way.  I knew it and yet I felt the need to continue on.  Why?  My heart aches for Kate.  Listening to her at the end of the show say… its all for the kids.  She is being strong for the kids.  She will be friendly with him for the kids.  She has to so that the kids are healthy.  Jon acted like the birthday party was hunky dory and that everything was fine and the kids knew no different.  I am sorry to tell you.  They know.  My kids knew and they were a lot younger than yours!  YOUR KIDS FEEL IT.  Do not kid yourself into thinking that you are doing a good enough job that you can hide it.  Kids have a deeper connection than that to you as a parent.  THEY KNOW.

Kate… I hope you ARE reading… You do NOT have to take this.  I hear myself in you.  I hear my own words.  I am being civil for the kids.  You cannot criticize that hooker for the kids.  What if she ends up their step mother… HAH! NEVER.  ( Just for a moment I would like to digress to a conversation that I had with “the nanny” on the phone one day while Ky was in inpatient back in October…I told her… the best woman WILL win and we ALL know who that is.  I told her I would win and I did… *can I get a bit of a victory dance ladies?*)  But Kate… please know… this is YOUR family.. YOUR husband.  Do NOT go down without a fight.  Fight for your life.  Fight for your love.  Fight for everything you have worked for.  For your children… Fight and fight NOW.  Fight hard and DO NOT roll over and allow him to end this.  You are 50% of this battle and I personally am pulling for you!  It is possible.  Look at us… trust me if WE came back from something as terrible as what was done to me… you and Jon CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!  I wish had had someone to tell me this when I was going through it.  When I was doing this… I was doing it alone.  (well with the support, prayers and fasting of a whole herd of people) But mostly me.  Kate I know how alone you must feel.  I cannot even imagine how that must be magnified by being in the spotlight and paparazzi craziness.  I cannot imagine how having to do this in front of 1 million people must feel but I can tell you… FIGHT.  With every single breath you have in you.

You know… when you marry someone… you GIVE that person your trust.  You allow them into the deepest parts of your heart and soul.  You allow them to know things that no one has every known.  You tell them your hopes and dreams… you share with them your deepest fears and when that person, the one single person in the world who is supposed to be everything to you… betrays you… there is no pain that can describe that.  It the darkest, most lonely, aching place that a human soul can go to.

I really have always felt that I was BORN a fighter.  I have not had an “easy” life.  There have been many things in my life that could have “messed me up”… but they didn’t.  Even now… I fought and won.  I fought with the biggest allies on my side…

So tonight…

My dearest Heavenly Father, You are the maker of all things.  You are the winner of ALL battles.  You are the ordainer of marriage and the Father of Kate and Jon too.  Father God, please lay your hands of healing and peace on Kate.  I watched those last episode and I could FEEL the anger.  I know the sting of that rage.  Please God wrap your arms around her and allow her to fall on you.  And for Jon Lord… I pray that you would place a sense of conviction in his heart.  For whatever this bad decision it is that he has made.  Also allow HIM to know that there is peace and forgiveness, mercy and grace and that broken things CAN be mended.  Allow his heart to be turned toward his wife and kids and that he will come to understand his godly place in that family as the father and husband he needs to be.  God empower him to step up and DO THE RIGHT THING.  Because there is a right and wrong to this… God please allow the right to prevail.  And for Kate God… peace and grace.  God give her the will to fight for her husband and her family.  Allow her to SEE that this life… is HERS… and hers alone.  It is not to be shared with another.  Give her the strength and the peace of mind to continue on.  Give her the heart to PRAY for her husband and I am not talking.. “please God” prayers.  God I pray that EACH of these two would find themselves on their faces before you pouring out their hearts.  I pray God that you would turns their hearts to each other and that you would begin to heal them TOGETHER.  I pray that your would mend their hearts TOGETHER.  That you would bring them peace TOGETHER.  I know it is NOT your will for any marriage to be broken.  As your word says… we CAST DOWN every stronghold in their lives that would bring evil against… we declare that things will CEASE.  We stand on your promise that you KNOW the plans you have for us.. plans to promise and keep us… plans to give us HOPE and a future!  God I stand TONIGHT with every person who is praying for Jon and Kate and claim their marriage for the good of YOUR kingdom….. in the name of Your son, Jesus, we pray…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… Amen.Recent Comments:

• Dianne says Thanks for sharing your family with us, your kids are so cute! [more]
• Amber says Nicole… I emailed you! Sorry it took me so long! [more]
• Amber says Nope.. I am not gone… just busy! Had a crazy, amazing, awesome and BLESSED summer and fall [more]
• Melissa Gooch says I hope you and your family are well. I was just wondering if you have you given up this [more]
• Nicole Walters says Hello
  I was recently diagnosed with chiari, and now my children are also showing symptoms. I came across your blog online, [more]

• August 26, 2010 -- Be Still…
• June 16, 2010 -- Today I read a magazine.
• December 5, 2009 -- Believe….
• October 26, 2009 -- Do not be anxious about anything…
• August 14, 2009 -- “Never a ship… sails out of the bay

What have you learned from Love?
The ones we LOVE the most are often the ones we hurt the most or the ones who hurt us. Sad but true. That “better to have loved and lost” is all a load. Better to have loved and WON I say! In all seriousness as a 26 year old mother of three who has been in love twice and married the second one, then subsequently had three kids (one of which is sick) and lived through the nanny (a true whore in every sense of the word- and I don’t use that word lightly) and claimed her husband as her own and claimed that COVENANT marriage, went to war in the heavenlies and won…. I say love never dies. Maybe its like an old pair of shoes that is headed to Goodwill. They were beautiful and exciting when you first put them on and you wore them proudly. You wore them for a while and THEN they were comfortable and reliable. Then finally the style changed yet you could not throw them away. They graced the back of you closet for a long time before you decide “its time for a change”. As you clean out that closet there are the shoes… if you put them back on they would still be comfortable… still fit… and still be reliable. Now… you could EVEN clean them up. Take them and have their leather re-fashioned and shaped. BUT are you WILLING to put in the effort. Eventually if you kept them long enough they would even come back into style and you would be proud to wear them and they would have a STORY to tell of how they made it through the “cuts” and evaded the Goodwill bag so many times. But like everything its a choice. Yes those shoes could have gone to the Goodwill. They would have sat on a shelf for a while sad and lonely but then one day… someone willing to put in the work and looking for a “treasure” would have found them. They would have paid a little less for them but they would have APPRECIATED them instantly for their value and they too would wear them proudly. Not proud of what they USED to be but of what they ARE and for WHERE they are in their journey. That is the thing about these shoes… you cannot appreciate them for the high of them being new and shiny. You must appreciate them for what they are, where they have been and what they have been and WILL BE to you.

Either route seems to work out well for the shoes. They end up happy and no worse for the wear. They are not broken and like our souls we are not broken by love and loss.

What have I learned from heartbreak?
1) People are never to be trusted. They lie. They lie to your face and they will dishonor YOU without much thought. People in the dark have no vision of the light… and therefore no moral compass. With no moral compass they have no reason to feel guilty and somehow they keep no record of their own wrongs… only everyone else’s.

2) Trust can be broken once and must be earned back. Trust once broken a second time is gone forever. A very wise Pastor once said this in a Sunday morning sermon and I took it to heart. It is very true.

2) Everyone is young and stupid once. You don’t get multiple tries at this… its a one time deal. Try not to hurt someone else in the process.

3) People lie… even people who love you. Oh wait… I already said that. I must reiterate it.

3) Hearts are fragile and you must make a choice to simmer in the fire until all that’s left are ashes or fight your way out of the fire and end up with minor smoke inhalation! Well we all know which I choose. No one has ever found Amber to be anything LESS than a fighter.

4) You must seize the opportunity of a lifetime… during the LIFETIME of the opportunity. Yet another sermon from another great minister. I listened to this one too.

5) There is very rarely a thing that is so terrible that one who is loved cannot be forgiven for. This courtesy does not extend to those who are “liked” or “accepted” and certainly not to those who are despised. Take heed of that. Forgiveness in the heart for actions is I think very different than forgiveness of the person. I think one equals acceptance of that one’s actions which were WRONG are actually right allowing them to live under the blindness and idiocy of that notion. Wrong is wrong… right is right… get right and stay there.

6) Never take for granted what you have. Marriage and love is not easy. You have to work and work and never stop. When you stop- you quit and that leads you to a BAD road. I am not a quitter… I may be naive but it only takes once for me. I learn quickly and I never forget.

7) Always remember and never forget. Always remember the GOOD things but never forget the bad. When we forget we become vulnerable to make the same mistake twice. That is why hingsight is 20/20 because you can forever glance over your shoulder and its STILL THERE.

Live, Laugh, Love. Words to live by. I will continue to live to laugh and to love with all my being. I will enjoy every single moment of non-hospitalized glory to the fullest. I will love every single home made meal and coupon clipped. I will laugh when it snows after wearing shorts just two days earlier. I will laugh and realize that I won! I will laugh on the plane to Jamaica. I will laugh at the amazingly gorgeous wedding days that I have the privilege of being a part of. I will love without prejudice or malice. I will love with all that I am and all that I have … until forever just like I promised.

Would you do it all again?
I don’t honestly know. The “first love” no. That one was senseless. That one shook my beliefs in humanity itself… that one no. This one… yes. As sad as it is I would do it again. Even knowing what I would go through I know where I AM. I know what is waiting on the other side. I know the miracle that has occurred and I do NOT take that for granted. Now if you are asking me would I do this a SECOND time… that answer is very different. NO. Absolutely not. There will BE NO SECOND CHANCE. As the old saying goes… fool me once… shame on you… fool me twice shame on me.

So…. I know… what a reply for early on Friday morning. Some days I wake up feeling deep and thoughtful. Today was one of those days.Recent Comments:

• Dianne says Thanks for sharing your family with us, your kids are so cute! [more]
• Amber says Nicole… I emailed you! Sorry it took me so long! [more]
• Amber says Nope.. I am not gone… just busy! Had a crazy, amazing, awesome and BLESSED summer and fall [more]
• Melissa Gooch says I hope you and your family are well. I was just wondering if you have you given up this [more]
• Nicole Walters says Hello
  I was recently diagnosed with chiari, and now my children are also showing symptoms. I came across your blog online, [more]

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