So, my dearly beloved is working furiously to correct this problem.  Thank God I have a programmer for a husband!  LOL

At any rate…. I think its also safe to say that “I” am having technical difficulties!  I am normally a pretty creative (I think) and festive person and this year I have just had a mental block.  I am SO excited and LOVE the holidays in ways I cannot explain but this year, I just cannot find the motivation to get it together.  Last night I FINALLY took my tree skirt to be monogrammed (been on the list to do since oh say… September), and picked up some more coupon finds along with a few new laundry baskets ( I am a instituting a new method to the laundry room that is currently a PIT!).  There are so many things I WANT to do and trust me … my house looks like a bomb went off….  but I just cannot find the energy to do it.  I end up on the couch with the kids curled up and watching dora or sitting on the computer trying desperately to motivate myself to at least get some photographs proofed but no sooner than I open the program does a headache set in that grips my head, travels down my spine and ruins every muscle in my body.  I have never give a lot of thought into being “disabled” mostly because I guess I never thought it would happen to me…. now I sit here, the very definition of disabled, and it sucks.  I rarely have the energy to drive so I am honestly glad that we are down to one vehicle and even getting the energy to go out with the kids to dinner is a challenge.  I feel like I could use a good dose of speed.  My docs ask if I am depressed… honestly… no.  Unless its totally subconscious and I have no idea that I am and I am internalizing it and that is coming out in my ability to function.  But I generally think life is good, and beautiful and the holidays are here (they ARE the most wonderful time of the year after all!) and my house is close to being finished on our never ending list of remodeling tasks, and I am ready to bake and wrap and decorate and ….. I can’t find the energy to get off the couch.  And that sucks too.

So I have decided to try and combat these “exhausted” days with prayer.  I figure if people can have a prayer “diet” I can have a prayer kick in the pants motivator adrenaline rush!!

My prayer adrenaline rush for today is: PSALM 30

¹ I will exalt you, Lord, for you rescued me.
You refused to let my enemies triumph over me.
² O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
and you restored my health.
³ You brought me up from the grave,^[a] O Lord.
You kept me from falling into the pit of death.

⁴ Sing to the Lord, all you godly ones!
Praise his holy name.
⁵ For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime!
Weeping may last through the night,
but joy comes with the morning.

I truly think that there is some form of clarity that comes from reading a passage in multiple translations.  There are many points of view from each translation of the Bible that can give insight to any situation at hand.  Hearing the scripture in another form, another translation sometimes helps one to pin point the “ah ha” moment that helps them apply the scripture to their life.  So I think its also important to read THIS scripture in “The Message” translation.  It is powerful to understand it in this way as well at the New Living Translation above.

¹ I give you all the credit, God— you got me out of that mess,
you didn’t let my foes gloat.

^2-3 God, my God, I yelled for help
and you put me together.
God, you pulled me out of the grave,
gave me another chance at life
when I was down-and-out.

^4-5 All you saints! Sing your hearts out to God!
Thank him to His face!
He gets angry once in a while, but across
a lifetime there is only love.
The nights of crying your eyes out
give way to days of laughter.

I have nothing to add… that pretty much says it all.  I would say that THIS translation is exactly how I would have translated this scripture into my own life.  He got me out of this MESS… He pulled me (and Kyleigh and Troy… and every human being for that matter) out of the grave!  But there is something still so true about the last line of this passage in the good old King James Version:

⁵For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

But JOY cometh in the morning.  Enough said……………

Today I am praying that I would be able to be filled with that Joy that is the breath of LIFE straight from our Heavenly Father.  I am praying that he breathes life into my soul and energy into my bones.  I am praying that He would allow me to be productive but most of all to be a BLESSING to anyone I come into contact with and in order that I should do that that He will remove from my bones their exhaustion and turn my mourning into DANCING.  That God will allow this morning and every morning ahead to be THE morning that the Joy comes.  For it to be the day in which beauty rises from the ashes.

Musical Inspiration of the day: Beauty will Rise- Steven Curtis Chapman

Recent Comments:

• XXX says A tip to save some cash when enjoying movies it that instead of heading to the movies on a busy [more]
• daphne says I JUST LOVE YOU!!! You always amaze me. You’re wonder womman of another kind!! I know it’s hard to BE [more]
• Jen says We are currently going through a pregnancy possibly affected by VACTERL…having more tests run. Would like to discuss some [more]
• Jen says Hi Amber! It’s lunchablemommy – actually not on A full cup anymore, so I wanted to send you my [more]
• Tracy says Love it! That is something Maggie would do. She loves Disney Princess stuff too. LOL. [more]

• April 28, 2010 -- Have a little talk with Jesus…
• March 5, 2010 -- Priorities.
• December 16, 2009 -- What faith has done.
• December 14, 2009 -- Hide and Seek
• December 5, 2009 -- Believe….

I just need to rant for a minute.  I understand that everyone is constantly in a rush.  Needing to get from here to there and five minutes ago.  Yes.  I get it.  But lets get real people.  New Circle Road (also known as Circle 4 and some other name that a guy was asking for directions to and I had NO idea until he said “something circle”) here in Lexington has a speed limit of 55 mph.  I have had only two tickets in my entire life and one came from New Circle.  I am rarely in a big enough hurry to fly 75 around the circle.  I consciously try to stay right AT or around 55 because it is heavily patrolled.  I will push my limits at 60 every now and then but that is about it.  Well I happened to get in front of a line of people this lovely Sunday afternoon who seemed to think that 5 mph over the limit was just not good enough.  So I sped up to 10 mph over… then 15mph over just to see when they would back off my bumper.  Finally I said “screw it” and got into the other lane.

My PSA to Lexingtonians is this…. ITS NEW CIRCLE, NOT THE AUTOBAHN!!!!!!! There truly is NO need to go 85 around New circle just because.  If you were going to a FIRE you would be in a big red truck and seeing as how you are NOT I will NOT feel pressured to get over or speed up any longer.  I will stay my course and you should conside yourself lucky.  I may just be saving you a ticket!

And while we are at it, let’s talk about something else that irks me.  The ramps onto and off of Nicholasville Road.  They back up.  Everyone knows this.  If you are DRIVING and you have no reason to be turning onto Nicholasville Road, WHY oh WHY are you in that lane?  Seriously you are a causing a whole traffice wave backup because you are too lazy to switch lanes and get out of the flow of traffic onto the Circle.  You MUST be stupid.  Why you want to be tapping your brakes on a 55 mph road I will never know.

So… rant over.  that is my pet peeve of the day.

As a side note. This is the story of my AWFUL ticket experience that traumatized me into going the speed limit and not ONE mph over for more than three years! :  I might have been two months postpartum.  We had been to eat and something was making me SICK.  You know what I am talking about.  The “screaming heebie jeebies” as my cousing Burt calls it.  Ky was teeny and on her heart monitor and crying so I was “speeding” home.  When the officer pulled me over he was RUDE.  I explained I was sick and that I needed to get to a restroom FAST.  He said that I would have to wait and “can you please make the kid stop crying?”  He asked for my license which was in the diaper bag in the back seat.  I told him this and as I turned to get my bag he started yelling at me to keep my hands where he could see them!  Seriously dude did you think I was going to whip an oozie out of that diaper bag.  Finally HE got in my back seat and got out my wallet all the while my hands are gripped firmly (in view) on the steering wheel.  He proceeds to ask me again if I can calm Ky down at which time I unloaded on him “sure… as soon as she gets her open heart surgery, no longer needs a feeding tube, isn’t throwing up everything she eats, gets a new butthole, has her spinal cord surgery… I am sure she will “calm down” then”.  I asked him if he would find her passy and put it back in so that she didn’t go into cardiac arrest while he was filling out his paperwork to which he replied “I can’t do that”… Grrrr…. He took his sweet time writing out my ticket charging me for 16 miles over ( I am relatively sure I was not going THAT fast) just so that I could end up in a higher “pay” category.  Then it hit me.  I was going to THROW up… When it hits me that is it.  I get the sweat and I have less than 1 minute before I loose it.  I told him this and he didn’t believe me.  Thought I was being dramatic.  That is until I flung open the door and puked on his feet.  I thought he was going to draw a gun on me for opening the door but I had to.  I had no choice.  I was NOT about to make my night even worse by puking in my own car!  So… to the grumpy police officer who pulled over a newly postpartum mother with her screaming heart baby and then proceeded to be rude… I think my puking serves to prove… you got what you deserved!  And that my friends is why I go only 55 mph on New Circle Road!Recent Comments:

• XXX says A tip to save some cash when enjoying movies it that instead of heading to the movies on a busy [more]
• daphne says I JUST LOVE YOU!!! You always amaze me. You’re wonder womman of another kind!! I know it’s hard to BE [more]
• Jen says We are currently going through a pregnancy possibly affected by VACTERL…having more tests run. Would like to discuss some [more]
• Jen says Hi Amber! It’s lunchablemommy – actually not on A full cup anymore, so I wanted to send you my [more]
• Tracy says Love it! That is something Maggie would do. She loves Disney Princess stuff too. LOL. [more]

• August 31, 2009 -- To sidewalk or not to sidewalk
• August 30, 2009 -- Troy’s Pet Peeve – Share the Road Lexington

Tonight was the Art of Making Miracles for the Makenna Foundation.  I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed being there, doing what I do, enjoying the September air, the food, the company.  It was great.  I have only photographed one wedding since the ominous “diagnosis” and my meds were not titrated correctly yet so I did not feel that I could count on that to be my norm.  I am SO happy to say that after two months of meds I am feeling MUCH (worlds even) better!  I only stutter now when I get really tired.  My pain is under control.  I still have bad days (sometimes a few in a row) when I over work myself but mostly I am feeling better than I have felt in YEARS. Truthfully I did not realize how badly I was feeling until I got to feeling better.

As for surgery.  I am on hold with that until I find a neurosurgeon that I am on the same wavelength with and that I can trust.  Yes yes… alas I need a “Joe” of adult neurosurgery.  Its a tall order.  I know there is someone out there who will be the right fit for me.  I am seriously considering the Cleveland Clinic because of its geographic location and because they do have one of the top ranked Chiari Neuro’s in the world.  His approach to Chiari is multi-faceted which I LOVE.  They treat you on a WHOLE body basis.  I think too many neurosurgeons treat only the brain and the rest you are left to flounder through on your own.  I think that this Doctor truly has a deep understanding of Chiari and its systemic effects.  So I am making progress there…. slowly but surely.  The biggest thing is that his overall evaluation takes an entire week.  There are lots of scans, MRI, a cine MRI, rhematology evaluation, etc.  For us finding a time when we can be away from all of our kids, business, home and jobs is HARD not to mention the lost income etc.  We are praying very hard about this obviously because this is one of the biggest decisions in our life.  We are also having to make some other really tough choices about our life in general, monetary issues, etc. and that is adding to the stress.

But tonight… tonight I was able to go (fully medicated of course… man I felt good!) to the AOMM and just be me.  For the first time in a long time I was able to do what I loved.  With relatively little pain and “issues”.. everyone kept telling me I looked really good.  I cannot tell you how nice it is to hear that.  I have gotten a bit paranoid because the night we were leaving for Gulf Shores we stopped at Walgreens.  I know that I sometimes have some pretty bad visible symptoms like twitching, etc.  My eyes and face must have been twitching because the cashier checking me out said to me kind of abruptly “Did I do something wrong?  You just made a face at me…”  It was everything I could do not to burst into tears right there.  I held it together until I got to the van.  Its one thing to have something going on inside you and to be able to “function normally” but all I wanted to say to her was “I have a flippin brain disorder.. is that an issue?”  I didn’t.  I just smiled and said no… I am sorry I didn’t mean to make a face.  I know that this employee went on with her night having NO clue what was going on in my head.  The whole thing was like a ton of bricks.  Even if I did want to hide this… I can’t.  I don’t have that choice.  Any illusion of “normal” is gone.  I can’t even be normal.  My kid is not normal, my family, my job, my house, my life.  All of it… just totally “out there”.  Sigh.  Sometimes its more than I care to think about.

But tonight, for the first time in a very long time.  I felt normal.  I was just Amber Teater Schmidt, the photographer, the mom, the friend.  AND I was “OMgosh I cannot believe its YOU”.  I don’t know if I have ever shared the story of Cameron Mills but when I was 14 years old, Cameron was a sophomore at UK.  I don’t know what made me pick him but he was my FAVORITE player.  All my friends liked all the “big name” guys but not me.  Maybe its my love of the underdog or maybe it was because he was the hometown boy but either way… he was IT!

Yes, yes… that’s me, the little teenage girl.. Now THERE is a throw back to the WAY back for you.  Sigh.  I was convinced I would marry that guy someday and openly professed my undying love with my 5 foot banner that proclaimed “I LOVE YOU CAMERON!!!”.  LOL.  (yes… insert the laughter now….)

(See the sign?  Yes… 1/4 of it is hidden behind Samantha.  It was large and in charge just let me tell you!)  I understand that your sides are now hurting as you laugh hysterically and I am totally ok with the fact that you ARE laughing AT me and not WITH me.  I have laughed AT me too!  Oh geez… I am laughing now as a matter of fact… but I digress.

It was almost like a joke that each game, every homecoming, midnight madness… there I was, his “sign girl” as I was affectionately nicknamed.  Its ok… I like to think he was kind of fond of me!  After three years Cameron would get his moment of glory with the “shot heard ’round’ Kentucky” and I watched it with tears!  THEN he had LOTS of fans… but me,  I was his biggest fan and had been since before he did anything but run on the treadmill (and he did a lot of that!).

Imagine how I smiled tonight when I walked in to the Art of Making Miracles and there was Cameron Mills.  I couldn’t do anything but laugh with the irony of it all. I had feared how I would be emotionally going to this knowing that this time, one year ago, my world was about to fall apart.  Knowing WHERE Troy was while I was at the AOMM last just put me in a mental state that I don’t like to be in.  I try not to stay there and honestly those “bad days” are coming with less frequency now.  I am VERY thankful for that.  I pray that I forget alas that will probably not happen.

So to walk in and see Cameron… I could do nothing but laugh.  Like God’s own little inside joke to me.  Yes, he was a little older and worn by the years but hey, aren’t we all?  He was Cameron nonetheless.  I got to talk to him for a bit and it was really nice.  Imagine that… who could really forget a silly girl who carried a 5 foot sign around for three years?  We caught up on life a bit, I showed him pictures of my kids and I got to see his niece (who consequently has Owen’s color red hair!).  It was really nice.  I still smile when I see that guy.  Why?  I don’t honestly know.  Am I in LOOOOOVE… sheesh no… LOL… absolutely not.  But some part of me remembers the excitement of those bygone days.  Such hope and so many dreams.  Amazing how life changes (not necessarily in a bad way… just different) and I realized something very important.

When I talked to Cameron I didn’t WISH for something else.  I didn’t WISH for another life.  I didn’t wonder what it would be like to be somehwere else.  I didn’t think “what if” and I didn’t think for one moment of the entire night about this time last year, or “the nanny” or anything else.  I was just THERE and so PROUD to tell him about MY husband, MY kids, MY business.  Because for all its faults… this life is MINE.  It was destined to be mine, I believe because God knew there are not ten other women who would have done what I have done, been where I have been, lived the life I have and still been around to tell the story.  I have fought hard to keep it.   I am DARN proud of it.  Instantly I realized, there was nowhere else I would rather be in my life right now than here, with this man, these kids, this house, this business, this brain and THIS life.

So thank you Cameron Mills… it was a great little trip down memory lane.  Thanks, moreso, for helping me realize how very thankful I truly AM for this life and this journey that I have been given.  I don’t think I have EVER been prouder than in those few minutes of talking to you.  Tonight I am smiling from the inside out because I know that God has blessed me in ways I don’t even comprehend!  I pray that, for the rest of my life, I will continue to get these little glimpses of the TRUTH of my reality that He “PLANS to prosper me and NOT to harm me, plans to give me HOPE and a future”.  My reality is not dark and sad.  It is joyful and with pride I will continue to live it to the fullest!!!

PS… I hope ALL of you will join us next year for the 2010 Art of Making Miracles to benefit the Kentucky Children’s Hospital.  It truly is a magical night filled with great food, tons of fun and for a GREAT cause that is obviously near and dear to me!Recent Comments:

• XXX says A tip to save some cash when enjoying movies it that instead of heading to the movies on a busy [more]
• daphne says I JUST LOVE YOU!!! You always amaze me. You’re wonder womman of another kind!! I know it’s hard to BE [more]
• Jen says We are currently going through a pregnancy possibly affected by VACTERL…having more tests run. Would like to discuss some [more]
• Jen says Hi Amber! It’s lunchablemommy – actually not on A full cup anymore, so I wanted to send you my [more]
• Tracy says Love it! That is something Maggie would do. She loves Disney Princess stuff too. LOL. [more]

• November 22, 2009 -- Making Peace…
• September 18, 2009 -- September 14-20 is Invisible Illness Week.- Amber’s Version
• November 19, 2009 -- One long week……….
• November 17, 2009 -- Tomorrow is yesterday and now today is here.
• November 15, 2009 -- Tomorrow is coming…

FYI to all Lexingtonians, we have sidewalks.  They are meant for those people wishing to walk and run.  I cannot decide I want to drive on the sidewalk, so why can you decide you want to walk in the road?  All sidewalks in Lexington cannot have a vertical height difference of more than an inch so people won’t trip.  Also all street trees and other trees are to be maintained by the home owner to allow a clearing height of at least 6.5′ (which is sorely not enforced enough).  So instead of wasting the time of everyone and adding to more chaos in the streets, how about you get on the phone to downtown Lexington and tell them to come out and enforce the rules.  Or better yet get out there and help your neighbors out and take a walk with some clippers and cut em down.  Either way, please stay on the sidewalk where walking and running belong.

Rant over.Recent Comments:

• XXX says A tip to save some cash when enjoying movies it that instead of heading to the movies on a busy [more]
• daphne says I JUST LOVE YOU!!! You always amaze me. You’re wonder womman of another kind!! I know it’s hard to BE [more]
• Jen says We are currently going through a pregnancy possibly affected by VACTERL…having more tests run. Would like to discuss some [more]
• Jen says Hi Amber! It’s lunchablemommy – actually not on A full cup anymore, so I wanted to send you my [more]
• Tracy says Love it! That is something Maggie would do. She loves Disney Princess stuff too. LOL. [more]

• August 30, 2009 -- Troy’s Pet Peeve – Share the Road Lexington
• January 12, 2010 -- Coming Home!
• November 24, 2009 -- Be Still my heart… (er.. nose)
• November 22, 2009 -- Making Peace…
• November 10, 2009 -- Heroes and Villains

I know there has to be bikers in Lexington that share the road correctly.  There has to be, it is just that I haven’t run into any yet.  The new bummer sticker I want to get printed is…

Share the Road, Not the Responsibility

The bikers that I come across want cars to share the road with them, but they don’t want to obey the traffic rules.  I have seen them blow straight through red lights as if they didn’t exist.  How can I take it seriously that you want to share the road with me, if you cannot obey the rules?  They ride on different sides of the road, pop in and out all crazy, don’t have proper reflective gear or lights on.  Basically they are vigilantes.  I would love to share the road with bikers, but they need to be more responsible for the face they are putting forward.  Because right now I cannot share the road because I am scared at any moment they are going to share their bike with my bumper and wreck me.Recent Comments:

• XXX says A tip to save some cash when enjoying movies it that instead of heading to the movies on a busy [more]
• daphne says I JUST LOVE YOU!!! You always amaze me. You’re wonder womman of another kind!! I know it’s hard to BE [more]
• Jen says We are currently going through a pregnancy possibly affected by VACTERL…having more tests run. Would like to discuss some [more]
• Jen says Hi Amber! It’s lunchablemommy – actually not on A full cup anymore, so I wanted to send you my [more]
• Tracy says Love it! That is something Maggie would do. She loves Disney Princess stuff too. LOL. [more]

• August 31, 2009 -- To sidewalk or not to sidewalk
• January 12, 2010 -- Coming Home!
• November 24, 2009 -- Be Still my heart… (er.. nose)
• November 22, 2009 -- Making Peace…
• November 10, 2009 -- Heroes and Villains

ALIVE.  That is all we really want to be as human beings right?

As a person who has had to face the fact that life, is all to delicate, and can be cut short at any given moment I realize how important it is to live … and be alive.  Which is why I also understand that I do not ever want to find myself WASTING time.  I want to do something every single day that makes an impact on this world.  I want to change the world.  I always have wanted to do that.  I will someday.

I have spent a bit of time in thought about what it is that makes my heart sing.  What makes ME come alive.  What make my eyes twinkle and my spirit soar? Well its definitely this:

And this:

And this:

But most of all this:

Because I grew up… in the REVIVAL generation.  And I honestly don’t know how to live any other way.  So for me living without that feels like something is missing.  I remember the altars of Brownsville that would fill before Steve Hill could even get the words out of his mouth.  I remember that it would be midnight and 1 am and they would be carrying people to their cars because they would STILL be laying in the church praying and crying out their Heavenly Father.  There was something about that time… and that place.  So how does someone who has know THAT kind of LIFE learn to live any other way?  Is it even possible?  No.  You find yourself on your knees in your quiet place… in your kitchen at the oddest times.  In the shower… you find the words and tears falling from your lips …

“I am dry and thirsty Lord… send YOUR rain… AMERICA needs YOUR touch again… SEND YOUR rain… Send YOUR rain… ” and you beg and you plead on your knees and the tears that seem to come and they just won’t stop.  And you wonder.  Is there ANYONE else who understands?  You look around your church and you think… do they get it?  Do they have any idea?  And quietly a few more tears fall and you pray… dear God just help me make it through another day.Recent Comments:

• XXX says A tip to save some cash when enjoying movies it that instead of heading to the movies on a busy [more]
• daphne says I JUST LOVE YOU!!! You always amaze me. You’re wonder womman of another kind!! I know it’s hard to BE [more]
• Jen says We are currently going through a pregnancy possibly affected by VACTERL…having more tests run. Would like to discuss some [more]
• Jen says Hi Amber! It’s lunchablemommy – actually not on A full cup anymore, so I wanted to send you my [more]
• Tracy says Love it! That is something Maggie would do. She loves Disney Princess stuff too. LOL. [more]

• August 28, 2009 -- Another few faves from Gulf Shores…
• January 12, 2010 -- Coming Home!
• November 8, 2009 -- Christmas Card Preview!
• August 14, 2009 -- “Never a ship… sails out of the bay
• July 8, 2009 -- From sea to shining sea…

I have never been the person who has wanted to be the “stay at home mom”.  I am too much of a busy body.  I need to work and feel productive doing something outside my house.  My house feels like a pit to me… dishes, while accomplished, will need to be accomplished again tomorrow.  Same with laundry.  For me… photography is an outlet more than a money maker.  Basically my business breaks even each year to be perfectly honest.  I spent the first 5 years of the business putting more into it than I was getting out because I loved it and I vowed that if I ever got to the point where I did not LOVE it I would quit.  Well I absolutely love every single minute of shooting weddings, bridals, and engagements.  I love every single long hour of proofing.  I love every bead of sweat that I sweat on the 100 degree July wedding days.  I love the 1000 mg of Tylenol that I need to get out of bed the next day and I love my wedding clients more than they will ever know.

As for the rest… I could take them or leave them (with the exception of my few… and they know who they are!).  As Troy and I are making a lot of life decisions right now I am strongly considering shutting down the “family and babies” portion of my business and going exclusively weddings.  I would CRY if I had to give up weddings so I am not ever planning to do that… but I think I may stop taking NEW baby clients.  My remaining baby clients I will continue to enjoy watching grow their families and call it a day because it snot the clients themselves… its me.  My heart is not in it anymore.  MY babies and MY family mean more to me than a $150 session fee in my pocket.

But back to the subject at hand.  Sometimes I believe that we devalue our time.  Everyone else around us is the #1 culprit at making us feel that we are not worth our time.  IF you were told you only had ONE hour left in your life… how would you spend that hour?  What would you want to do with that hour?  How much would it be worth to you to pay to extend your life another hour or three?  THAT is how much an hour is worth to you on a daily basis.  You should remember that each day.  Each minute that we waste on trivial things, is an hour that we will never get back.  It is an hour that could have been spent listening to our child’s Lego Power Miner’s video, “Florida Chicken” (this is what Ross affectionately calls his favorite stuffed animal which happens to be a flamingo) story or “Princess Dance with Cinderella” song.  It’s the minutes of our life spent yelling at insane drivers or being frustrated over stupid things that bleed us of our humanity.  Its all those times when you get to the end of the day and say… where did it go.  The more my brain is stressed out, the more I realized that my minutes and hours are precious.  I take FULL advantage of them.  I treasure them in ways I cannot explain.  I pray for as many lucid and pain free ones as I can get and know that I may not get what I pray for.  For me… an hour is just too valuable to give away to just anyone.  If you are one of the select few whom I have given hours of my life to… feel privileged.  If you don’t feel privileged…  you need to re-evaluate.Recent Comments:

• XXX says A tip to save some cash when enjoying movies it that instead of heading to the movies on a busy [more]
• daphne says I JUST LOVE YOU!!! You always amaze me. You’re wonder womman of another kind!! I know it’s hard to BE [more]
• Jen says We are currently going through a pregnancy possibly affected by VACTERL…having more tests run. Would like to discuss some [more]
• Jen says Hi Amber! It’s lunchablemommy – actually not on A full cup anymore, so I wanted to send you my [more]
• Tracy says Love it! That is something Maggie would do. She loves Disney Princess stuff too. LOL. [more]

• February 5, 2010 -- A parent’s love…
• December 5, 2009 -- Believe….
• November 22, 2009 -- Making Peace…
• November 12, 2009 -- For God has NOT given us a spirit of fear…
• November 11, 2009 -- It can’t end this way….

Above all that I am thankful.  Thankful of where my life is, what God has done in me and around me.  Thankful for everyone that helped my wife, my family, and me through the darkest time of our lives.  Thankful for those that prayed and fasted and know that there is never anything I can do that would repay them, but that they have laid up some treasures in Heaven by doing so.  Thankful that Kyleigh is still alive.  Thankful that we have found Amber’s condition before it worsened.  Thankful that we aren’t going to lose our house.  Thankful I have an awesome God van that no one can repossess.  Thankful I have an amazing awesome wonderful wife who made a commitment nine years ago and honored that commitment and continues to do so until death do us part.  Thankful that I have re-prioritized my life into what really matters.  That I have shed my material yearnings and human nature in that respect.  Thankful that I value looks good and works in a whole new way.

This won’t be my last post and hopefully I can keep up some regular posting and you can get all sides of our family in one concise spot.  I cannot wait until Owen can start posting his thoughts on here as well.  Ended kinda abruptly, but more to come soon.Recent Comments:

• XXX says A tip to save some cash when enjoying movies it that instead of heading to the movies on a busy [more]
• daphne says I JUST LOVE YOU!!! You always amaze me. You’re wonder womman of another kind!! I know it’s hard to BE [more]
• Jen says We are currently going through a pregnancy possibly affected by VACTERL…having more tests run. Would like to discuss some [more]
• Jen says Hi Amber! It’s lunchablemommy – actually not on A full cup anymore, so I wanted to send you my [more]
• Tracy says Love it! That is something Maggie would do. She loves Disney Princess stuff too. LOL. [more]

Random Posts

In my life the one form of pride that I have struggled with is “achievement”.  The fact that I can say I did it.  I don’t care much to have a huge house or an expensive car, but I pride myself on saying that ” we did it “.  We defied all the odds of getting married young (obviously not), we defied all the odds of starting our own business ( I CAN still claim this in ways ), we defied all the odds of having a special child (cannot even get into that right now). I guess God really knows how to take away your “foolish pride”.

This week I have watched a great many things in my life come crashing down.  Somehow… as bad as they ARE… they just don’t seem all that bad anymore.  Years ago I would have had a nervous breakdown but after the past few years… it just doesn’t matter and I know that.  I have watched my child “die” twice.  I have watched our nanny, who I called a friend and member of my family, totally betray me.  I have heard my husband say “I think I am falling out of love with you”.  I have felt the rejection from people who had “told me” they loved me like their own.  I am now watching my own husband be able to empathize with me as he too feels the sting of abandonment.

Through it all… I am NOT alone.  I am NOT defeated.  Neither is Troy.  I hurts like …well you know.  But until you take the breath from my body I am NOT done.  As I have said before I will NOT stop fighting.  The past few days, music, as it has many times before, continues to be such a comfort.  If you have not listened intently to the words of the Natalie Grant song “Held”…. you should.

Here are the lyrics: (Natalie Grant – Held)

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We’re asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held
We’d be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This is what it means to be held…..

Wow… this could not be MORE my life right now.  Right NOW … this is what it is to be held.  How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you SURVIVE!  Above all things… we WILL survive this.  This will not take from us what is not rightfully its to take.  We WILL stand in this storm no matter how hard the winds blow.  Even if the flood waters rage we will stand.  As much as my heart aches to be found, scooped up and taken away from all of this, I know that it may not ultimately be God’s plan.  But it IS his plan that I be HELD through it all by his mighty arms.

I came home from shopping at Meijer last night (yay free stuff from another meter deal!) and found this on the back of the front door:

Troy had been doing some studying in his bible while I was gone and had printed this and placed it on the back of the door.  What a difference a year will make huh?  What a powerful statement in Jeremiah.  That the LORD stands beside me like a great warrior… that calms my heart in ways I cannot explain.

Tonight this verse will be going up on my wall:

Isaiah 61:9

“Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the LORD has blessed.”

Above all else… I want to know that my children will not have to endure the hardships that we have.  I want to change the possibilities for the future.  I want to give them hope that no matter what their God is able to move mountains and change the course of THEIR history. I want them to know that they are blessed.

Recent Comments:

• XXX says A tip to save some cash when enjoying movies it that instead of heading to the movies on a busy [more]
• daphne says I JUST LOVE YOU!!! You always amaze me. You’re wonder womman of another kind!! I know it’s hard to BE [more]
• Jen says We are currently going through a pregnancy possibly affected by VACTERL…having more tests run. Would like to discuss some [more]
• Jen says Hi Amber! It’s lunchablemommy – actually not on A full cup anymore, so I wanted to send you my [more]
• Tracy says Love it! That is something Maggie would do. She loves Disney Princess stuff too. LOL. [more]

• November 10, 2009 -- Heroes and Villains
• May 28, 2009 -- Praise Report on Bentley!!!!!!

Stand in the Rain by SuperChick Lyrics

She never slows down
She doesn’t know why but
she knows that when
She’s all alone feels
Like it’s all coming down
She won’t turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries
That first tear
The tears will not stop
Raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering
If she stands, she’ll fall down
She wants to be found but
The only way out is through
everything she’s running from
Wants to give up and lie down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

I think if I could get in touch with Kate Gosselin I would send her this song.  I wish I had had it to inspire me in the fall.  This is truly what I did.  I stood.  In the face of the “inevitable” when the whole world was screaming for me to do what is “acceptable” in their eyes… I said no.  I did not accept that divorce HAD to be inevitable.  That forgiveness was lost.  I did not accept that I had no say.  I even told “the nanny” that I would win and I did.  I knew who I was standing FOR and who was standing WITH me and I know that HE is the one person who cannot be defeated.

If there is anything that God has taught me in the past three years it is how to STAND.  Through turbulent pregnancies, traumatic births, NICU’s, ICU’s, hospitals, doctors, tests, nannies, I never gave up.  I may have been disillusioned and beaten down but I was not broken.  Now… I feel like there is a certain peace that comes with knowing… I lived.  Not only did I LIVE… I succeeded, excelled and soared through it.  I have to think that it is like a beautiful tree.  A tree must see all the seasons before it can bloom.  It must stand in the rain ( a LOT of rain) for it to grow tall and strong.  It must plant it roots deeply on a firm foundation so that when the storms come it remains standing.

So… if you find this post and you are struggling in your marriage, in your life, if you are dealing with a tragedy or an illness in your family… PLEASE… STAND in the rain.  It will hurt worse than anything you have ever known.  It will feel like you have ripped your heart out through your throat.  You will cry oceans of tears but you will NOT drown.  I promise.  Stand through the pain… and one day what’s lost CAN BE FOUND!  Find yourself on your face.  Cry out to the one person who CAN shelter you through ANY storm.  Stand on HIS promises and you will never fall.

Recent Comments:

• XXX says A tip to save some cash when enjoying movies it that instead of heading to the movies on a busy [more]
• daphne says I JUST LOVE YOU!!! You always amaze me. You’re wonder womman of another kind!! I know it’s hard to BE [more]
• Jen says We are currently going through a pregnancy possibly affected by VACTERL…having more tests run. Would like to discuss some [more]
• Jen says Hi Amber! It’s lunchablemommy – actually not on A full cup anymore, so I wanted to send you my [more]
• Tracy says Love it! That is something Maggie would do. She loves Disney Princess stuff too. LOL. [more]

• March 5, 2010 -- Priorities.
• February 4, 2010 -- FOR SALE!!! 1804 Hopemont Court
• December 16, 2009 -- What faith has done.
• December 14, 2009 -- Hide and Seek
• November 10, 2009 -- Heroes and Villains