A new found friend sent me this in an email and it helps to realize that this is a normal process!!!  And as much as I tell everyone I am okay, and some days- MOST days- I am... I am still grieving.  There are still days when I don't want to get out of bed. Where it feels like its a rainy nasty day even though its bright and sunny.  Those days when I feel like the biggest idiot in the world.  The days when I feel SO lost like I will never be found. 

But you know what... those days are becoming few and far between.  Its friends you Christina and Sarah that help me realize and are guiding me through this journey of having a "special" child.  I am finding out how to turn this parent's worst nightmare into a daydream.  Hopefully whatever dream it is will be over soon and we will be able to regain some sense of NORMAL!

Phases of Grief-

Denial-"it cant be!!'

Release-tears

Depression/Isolation-'nobody understands ME'

Physical Symptoms (neurasthenia)-'i cant go on'

Panic/Anxiety-'i cant do THIS'

Guilt-'How did this happen, what did I do to cause this?'

Hostility-'why ME and why MY baby?'

Inability to do Normal activities-'i dont want to go out, I dont want totalk to anyone'

Social sharing-'this is my story'

Rituals and Appeasements-'i will do this right'

Hope-'someday this will work out'

Acceptance/Adjustment integration-'I'll get on with it'

I have definitely made it into the Rituals/ Hope phase- which in 3 months flat I feel like that is pretty darn good... now how on earth do I take that final step!!??????

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Good news abounds!!! Kyleigh does NOT have a tethered cord and will NOT need surgery for it. She somehow has a thickening of the spine but from what I can tell (and the fact that I STILL have not actually met or talked to her neurosurgeon is kind of pissing me off right [...]

Monday came and went and we survived. Kyleigh did well with the MRI… but it took for freakin EVER!!!!!!!!! I don’t remember an MRI taking like 3 hours!!!! Geeez… maybe it was because they were looking at the spinal cord but man… that still seems like a long time! When she was [...]

Photo courtesy of my good friend Misty Woodward
And it feels like doomsday. I have been in a rather awful mood and been really snippy for a couple of days now and I do apologize to anyone I have snipped at. Monday is coming and I don’t want it to. Its coming way [...]

When I was pregnant with Kyleigh we traveled to Chicago for a Photography Convention and I was very privileged to be photographed by the Amazing Misty Woodward. Misty is not only a good friend, but a pretty popular photographer!!! The Spirit of Motherhood is her brainchild. She has seen it through from [...]

Lord Kimberly will KILL me if she reads the title!! (Grandma Smoot!!! geez) We got to spend a weekend with some of my best photog girlfriends!! I knew I would come away with tons of great pics so I had not bothered to take any of Ky last week!! And I was [...]

Finally! Kyleigh is on the rise again!!! Her weight was up 7 oz this week!!! That is 1 oz per day!!!!!!!! I cannot tell you HOW good it feels to have her gaining weight! She took off on Saturday and decided she was FINALLY hungry! She ate for like 4 hours [...]

Yesterday Ky watched TV for the first time. She watched- It’s a Big Big World… they sing and there are lots of colors and she was mezmerized! As I watched her I realized that she might actually be enjoying it. And as happy as I was it made me cry.
Normal babies enjoy [...]

That is the most commonly asked question in my life right now. Even our doctors have asked me this. How do I make it through the day? Some days I have no idea why or how I made it. There are some days that I can not even tell you if [...]

been a time in your life when something happened and you will never forget it. And I don’t just mean forget it… I mean you remember what you were wearing, the feeling in the pit of your stomach, you can still taste the awful taste in your mouth, feels the burning sting of the [...]