Both of us, since traveling this road, have watched as countless numbers of our friends ended up on the path and took the OTHER fork in the road.  For a great many reasons, I find that divorce is sometimes a necessary evil.  Is it ever GOOD?  No.  Does EVERYONE involved end up hurt?  Yes.  But is is sometimes necessary?  Yes.  Would I have been “right” or “justified” to say that I was DONE with my marriage?  Biblically yes.  I was released from my husband the first moment that he chose to lay a hand on “the paramour” (this is a term that was affectionately coined by a well known Christian writer- Dr. David Clarke).  At that point, God would have released me, without prejudice, from my husband.  I could have gone on to a new life, started over and in many ways that would have been easier than the road I chose.  Mostly because it is a road that is understood.  It is a road in which I would have had tons of cheerleaders and support along the way.  “Yay!!!  You are a strong WOMAN”, “you can do it all on your own”, “you are a single mother”, so on and so forth.  Would all those things have been true?  Yes.  Would these people, these friends and cheerleaders have been wrong in persuading me?  Actually no.  Would I have made it and been all the better for it?  Likely yes.  BUT and this is the huge BUT in it all… my husband would not have.  He would not have made it out “alive”.  Would his physical self have continued to sustain life, yes absolutely, but the man I KNOW and LOVE would have died and never returned.  He would have become someone different.  Someone cold and unfamiliar.  I, was not WILLING, to sit back and allow that to happen.  It is quite possible that even with MY determination that he could have ended up that way anyhow but I stormed the gates of Heaven on his behalf.  Our Heavenly Father saw fit to right this “wrong” situation.  My husband became open to the process somewhere is his “crisis” and when the time was right God thrust Himself into our mix.  Then and only THEN did things change.  I will never deceive myself into thinking that “I”, Me, Myself “saved” this marriage because I didn’t.  I had my faults and breakdowns… I was high, low and everything in between.  When it came RIGHT down to it though, those seeds that were sown in my from birth, the knowledge of right and wrong, good and evil, black and white… those things led me to my knees and to the ultimate Restorer.  I found myself in a unique position to be able to look at the situation and see past all that “was” to what “could be”.  I claimed those things and rejected the rest and THEN I put my husband on notice that I was coming for him.

Now that is NOT to say that Troy has not done his fair share of hard work in this.  He has.  He has worked his rear end off, cried his eyes out, hurt with the depth of his soul, apologized with everything in him and the old “us” has been broken.  Has it been easy on him?  Absolutely not.  Has it been easy on ME… HAH … HAH!  I laugh at even the inkling that I somehow came out of this unscathed.  Because of that we have had to make time to find a NEW us and I have to say that the NEW us… pretty much rocks.  We are strong and steadfast.  We are kind and sweet to each other.  We are considerate and slow to anger.  We are patient with each other and slow to speak.  We are listeners and “feelers”.  We are never “afraid” to say something or to hold each other accountable.  We are all the things we knew we WANTED but never knew how to BE before.  One of the greatest lies that society tells us is that a marriage is 50/50.  I beg to differ.  50/50 implies that there is room for one to do MORE than the other.  In a marriage there is ONLY 100/100.  BOTH parties must be willing to give it EVERYTHING they have and more because you can accept no less.

So going back to Emmy.  She wrote in her blog posting the other day that Donald Miller (best selling author) says that “heroes and villains are very close. They both have strengths, struggles and catastrophic flaws, but in the climactic moment the villain will chose what is best for himself and the hero will choose what is best for others. The best stories are the ones where people die if the hero doesn’t get what he wants.”

So in ever story there must be a hero and a villain.  Its just the nature of writing.  There must a plot, climax, and resolution.  These are things that you are taught in school.  In our story… the story of our life… I find this statement about heroes and villains to be a powerful and very true anecdote.  For me, in this situation, I would have (arguably) been “better off” to be done with the whole mess and move on.  I could have gone on and done all the things that I dreamed of (whatever those would have been).  But, as catastrophically flawed as I am, I looked at the situation and I was UNWILLING to allow the man that I knew as my husband to be left by the wayside for death.  In the heat of the battle I refused to be broken and I refused to allow it to break him. For everything that they are worth, your friends and families can be some of your worst enemies in judging what is morally right and wrong.  They feel this need to “be on your side” and so they take a position to “support” you that they might not have in other situations.  For all my mother is or is not… she has NEVER been that person.  In the grand scheme of life I was taught that right is right, wrong is wrong and no amount of justification or prejudice will ever make a wrong right or even OKAY for that matter.  There is no gray area.  Even a half truth is a lie.  I feel like more people in life should live in a black and white world.  Too often our society seems to “justify” things and this is nothing more than a lie.

My grandfather used to say “Never take advice from someone who knows LESS than you do”.  That has always stayed with me.  Sometimes I question what it is that I “know” but there are some unfailing truths that I will never question in my life.  I know that love never fails.  I know that my Heavenly Father is ALWAYS there whether he comes in the sun or in the storm.  I know that life is beautiful and children are magical.  I know that I am here on earth to accomplish a certain purpose and one my purpose is fulfilled my time here will expire and I will finally go home and live forever with a perfect body and worshiping my Lord for all time.

I also know, that in this story, our story, one of Heroes and Villains, I was given a choice.  Just as clearly as I write this right now I know that one evening as I lay crying in my kitchen floor, begging God to do something, ANYTHING to help me through this awful situation.  I remember thinking that my heart and soul literally ached so badly that I thought I might take my last breath.  I had no idea how to exist.  I began to beg for God to help me.  I had no idea what to do or how to do it and I cried out.  In the middle of my sobbing tears He asked me… “What do you want?”  I remember giving some generic answer like “I want it all to be okay” and I could feel His voice becoming stern as He again asked “No… what is it that YOU want Amber… what life do you want?  What road do you want to take?”.  I was shocked that God would actually pose a question like that to me.  I believe that HE is the ruler of all and HIS plan reigns supreme so having Him ask me this question I was utterly dumbfounded.  I was speechless but instantly the tears came and I, without a second hesitation said…. I want MY husband back.  I want the man that I KNOW and married back.  This person who is inhabiting his body now I do not know nor love him and that is NOT who I wish to spend my life with.  I want MY husband back.

Immediately after that came out of my mouth, I nearly clasped my hand over it as if I had said something I was embarrassed of.  Like when you are a kid and something slips that you know you were not supposed to say… like that.  I thought… are you kidding me?  Am I the lamest, weakest woman ever?  Why on EARTH would I want that?  Do I not want BETTER for myself?  I had spent this time telling myself I would be okay and I could go live whatever life I wanted.  For the most part, with or without this ending I would have been “okay”.  I began to question what it was that I had just said and if you asked my “head” I am sure I would have “said” otherwise but instantly in a single thread of consciousness my thoughts stumbled to Luke 6:45.

^{Luke 6:45} A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

Wow… without a single thought I instantly chose him.  I chose not what was best for me.  Not what I WANTED because believe you me at the time my “self” would not have WANTED him but my heart and my soul was dying for him.  I chose not to protect my own heart or desires… I chose him.  I chose someone else.  I chose to continue to GIVE instead of take.  I realized in that moment… that my heart… was good and my intentions were pure.  The things that I said, that seemed abrasive and lashing were not out of malice… they were of truth and a desire to see that man that I knew and loved return.  In a split second I knew I would never regret what I had just asked for because it truly came from the abundance of my heart.  In this story of hero’s and villains… I allowed someone who is bigger than all of us to write the ending and just like in the fairy tales… the good won out.  The hero lived to fight another day and the kingdom was at peace.  Pretty amazing all things considered.

So how on earth does my brain stumble through this thought process?  Is this something that I spend all my days thinking of?  Nope.  Actually its been at least a month since I really had a good long pondering of last year’s events.  The other day when I heard a Christmas song by Amy Grant it activated my ponderings.  (Funny eh??  That I can get all of this from a Christmas song… lol  I told you music inspires me!).  The song is called “Grown Up Christmas List”.  The words are pretty amazing.  Its from a woman who writes to Santa about her “grown up” Christmas List.  It is quite a bit different than the traditional “list” but it embodies everything that the human condition is about.  In the song she says “right would always win and love would never end”.  I guess I got my grown up Christmas wish last year and this year.  What more could a girl want?

Grown Up Christmas List by Amy Grant

Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee;
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies.

Well, i’m all grown-up now,
And still need help somehow.(can you still help somehow)
I’m not a child,
But my heart still can dream.

So here’s my lifelong wish,
My grown-up christmas list.
Not for myself,
But for a world in need.

No more lives torn apart,
That wars would never start,(and wars would never start)
And time would heal all hearts.
And everyone would have a friend,
And right would always win,
And love would never end.
This is my grown-up christmas list.

As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree.(wrapped beneath the tree)

Well heaven surely knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul.

No more lives torn apart,
That wars would never start,
And time would heal all hearts.
And everyone would have a friend,
And right would always win,
And love would never end.
This is my grown-up christmas list.

What is this illusion called the innocence of youth?
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth.
(there’d be)

No more lives torn apart,
That wars would never start,
And time would heal all hearts.
And everyone would have a friend,
And right would always win,
And love would never end, oh.
This is my grown-up christmas list.

This is my grown-up christmas list.

Recent Comments:

• XXX says A tip to save some cash when enjoying movies it that instead of heading to the movies on a busy [more]
• daphne says I JUST LOVE YOU!!! You always amaze me. You’re wonder womman of another kind!! I know it’s hard to BE [more]
• Jen says We are currently going through a pregnancy possibly affected by VACTERL…having more tests run. Would like to discuss some [more]
• Jen says Hi Amber! It’s lunchablemommy – actually not on A full cup anymore, so I wanted to send you my [more]
• Tracy says Love it! That is something Maggie would do. She loves Disney Princess stuff too. LOL. [more]

• November 24, 2009 -- Be Still my heart… (er.. nose)
• November 22, 2009 -- Making Peace…
• March 5, 2010 -- Priorities.
• January 12, 2010 -- Coming Home!
• December 16, 2009 -- What faith has done.

In my life the one form of pride that I have struggled with is “achievement”.  The fact that I can say I did it.  I don’t care much to have a huge house or an expensive car, but I pride myself on saying that ” we did it “.  We defied all the odds of getting married young (obviously not), we defied all the odds of starting our own business ( I CAN still claim this in ways ), we defied all the odds of having a special child (cannot even get into that right now). I guess God really knows how to take away your “foolish pride”.

This week I have watched a great many things in my life come crashing down.  Somehow… as bad as they ARE… they just don’t seem all that bad anymore.  Years ago I would have had a nervous breakdown but after the past few years… it just doesn’t matter and I know that.  I have watched my child “die” twice.  I have watched our nanny, who I called a friend and member of my family, totally betray me.  I have heard my husband say “I think I am falling out of love with you”.  I have felt the rejection from people who had “told me” they loved me like their own.  I am now watching my own husband be able to empathize with me as he too feels the sting of abandonment.

Through it all… I am NOT alone.  I am NOT defeated.  Neither is Troy.  I hurts like …well you know.  But until you take the breath from my body I am NOT done.  As I have said before I will NOT stop fighting.  The past few days, music, as it has many times before, continues to be such a comfort.  If you have not listened intently to the words of the Natalie Grant song “Held”…. you should.

Here are the lyrics: (Natalie Grant – Held)

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We’re asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held
We’d be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We’d be held

This is what it means to be held…..

Wow… this could not be MORE my life right now.  Right NOW … this is what it is to be held.  How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you SURVIVE!  Above all things… we WILL survive this.  This will not take from us what is not rightfully its to take.  We WILL stand in this storm no matter how hard the winds blow.  Even if the flood waters rage we will stand.  As much as my heart aches to be found, scooped up and taken away from all of this, I know that it may not ultimately be God’s plan.  But it IS his plan that I be HELD through it all by his mighty arms.

I came home from shopping at Meijer last night (yay free stuff from another meter deal!) and found this on the back of the front door:

Troy had been doing some studying in his bible while I was gone and had printed this and placed it on the back of the door.  What a difference a year will make huh?  What a powerful statement in Jeremiah.  That the LORD stands beside me like a great warrior… that calms my heart in ways I cannot explain.

Tonight this verse will be going up on my wall:

Isaiah 61:9

“Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the LORD has blessed.”

Above all else… I want to know that my children will not have to endure the hardships that we have.  I want to change the possibilities for the future.  I want to give them hope that no matter what their God is able to move mountains and change the course of THEIR history. I want them to know that they are blessed.

Recent Comments:

• XXX says A tip to save some cash when enjoying movies it that instead of heading to the movies on a busy [more]
• daphne says I JUST LOVE YOU!!! You always amaze me. You’re wonder womman of another kind!! I know it’s hard to BE [more]
• Jen says We are currently going through a pregnancy possibly affected by VACTERL…having more tests run. Would like to discuss some [more]
• Jen says Hi Amber! It’s lunchablemommy – actually not on A full cup anymore, so I wanted to send you my [more]
• Tracy says Love it! That is something Maggie would do. She loves Disney Princess stuff too. LOL. [more]

• November 10, 2009 -- Heroes and Villains
• May 28, 2009 -- Praise Report on Bentley!!!!!!

Bentley came through her surgery with FLYING colors.  She had surgery on Wednesday, was off pain meds by Friday and was released to a hotel on Tuesday!  They even think she will go HOME HOME on Friday!!!!!!!!  What a miracle!!!  God certainly answered prayers there!

I have to say it brings me to tears (for many reasons).  I am so SO thankful that their family did not have to go down the road we went down…. but then again I look back and think… wow.  We were so “young” in this whole medical thing we had NO idea what to expect.  Other than my gut feeling that we were going to be there longer than the normal 3-4 days… we had nothing else to go on.  We barely even had those “fight” for her instincts.  We had no idea how to express ourselves or how to get our point across.  We had NO idea how bad off she was, especially since all of the CICU team were always so positive.  It never entered our minds that we might leave that hospital without her.  Never once did I ask a doctor “Is she going to die?” because it just NEVER occured to me.  We always thought… “oh we are in for the long haul now”… but overall I guess you could say we had blind faith. Even through surgeries that nearly doubled the time they SHOULD have taken.  Even through days of seizing, severely impeded heart rhythms, talk of pacemakers, collapsed lungs, 106 fevers, double staph infections, second open heart surgery, 80CC pocket of fluid BEHIND the heart, lost weight, blood and platelet transfusions, and and and…………  I never honestly thought that we would loose her.

Maybe it was the ignorance that kept us going.  Maybe that ignorance was a form of protection.  Maybe it was GOOD that we had no idea.  I find myself wishing that we had NOT been so ignorant because if I had known then what I know now… things would have happened differently.  I would have INSISTED that they test the fluid that oozed from her wounds where they pulled her lines and drains.  I would have INSISTED they figure out WHY there was a 106 fever.  I would have INSISTED that they find a reason for the collapsed lungs (before 2 weeks in).  I would have INSISTED that they called the doc in the middle of the night when she nearly drown in her own chest.

I have to say … I carry a certain bit of guilt from that night.  We kept telling her… Kyleigh girl… you CANNOT be in that much pain… you are going HOME tomorrow… PLEASE don’t do this.  We were so desperate to go home.  I am just REALLY glad that she will never remember those days because it was NOT her fault.  She didn’t DO any of it.  She was the one suffering and the only people we could feel sorry for were ourselves.  We were exhausted, sick, and desperate.  Yet somehow there was relief when they threw her in the bed to wheel back to the CICU.  I have never really seen a flutter of activity like that before.  You could tell it was an “emergency”… it looked like something straight out of ER or Grey’s Anatomy.  On went the O2 canula and monitors, ekg lines and pulse ox.  In 5 minutes flat we had packed our entire life (AGAIN.. remember by this point we had moved her swing, her bouncy seat, bottle sterilizer, EVERYTHING to the hospital… we were LIVING there) into two red wagons and were once again headed back to the ICU to learn our “fate”.  It hurts me to know that I was so ignorant that I did not even REALIZE what kind of pain she was in.  Today… if this happened, things would be drastically different.  I play this over in my head often and think of how the ending could change.  Even with all of our stupidity and ignorance God kept his hand on Ky.  Her experience served to strengthen our testimony.  Our daughter has been legally “dead” twice and God has give her new life.  What could be more powerful a statement?Recent Comments:

• XXX says A tip to save some cash when enjoying movies it that instead of heading to the movies on a busy [more]
• daphne says I JUST LOVE YOU!!! You always amaze me. You’re wonder womman of another kind!! I know it’s hard to BE [more]
• Jen says We are currently going through a pregnancy possibly affected by VACTERL…having more tests run. Would like to discuss some [more]
• Jen says Hi Amber! It’s lunchablemommy – actually not on A full cup anymore, so I wanted to send you my [more]
• Tracy says Love it! That is something Maggie would do. She loves Disney Princess stuff too. LOL. [more]

• August 26, 2010 -- Be Still…
• October 26, 2009 -- Do not be anxious about anything…
• August 14, 2009 -- “Never a ship… sails out of the bay
• July 13, 2009 -- Happy Birthday Kyleigh!
• May 7, 2009 -- Blessings of the Heart